Sorry for trotting out the old cliché about a picture being worth a thousand words, but can any of you think up an adjective that describes Sanjaya Malakar's cover of "You Really Got Me" as accurately as the image of the annoying, sobbing little girl the Idol producers kept cutting to during tonight's episode, the British Invasion theme night? Now, I don't know who the girl is nor do I care. And I don't know if she was crying out of joy, or terror, or pain, or amusement — or some combination of the four. But with even Simon deferring to the evening's unlikeliest star — "I think the little girl's face says it all" — it was clear something spectacularly awful was going down.
Indeed, watching Sanjaya, sporting his hideous gloved sweater, doing his Gene Simmons tongue before the commercial break, grinding suggestively in front of Paula, and growling lyrics like "You've got me so I can't sleep at night," all I could think was "'No, Sanjaya, you've got me so I can't sleep at night!" Seriously, I'm worried that if I close my eyes, I might hear the screaming of the Kinks.
As off-the-charts heinous as Sanjaya was tonight, I've got a feeling of nameless dread that many of us Idol fans will be sobbing like schoolgirls after he survives the cut on Wednesday night's results show. Maybe I'm wrong. But I'm betting it'll be Stephanie Edwards, a singer I've found consistently enjoyable if not always spectacular this season, who'll pay the price for a disastrous cover of Dusty Springfield's "You Don't Have to Say You Love Me." Stephanie started her performance tentatively and just got worse from there; she was sharper than Sharon Stone's ice pick on most of the big notes and displayed all the energy of a week-old helium balloon hovering depressingly over the carpet. I don't know what's happened to Stephanie, but Simon's right — where are the rawness and the passion of her previous efforts, like "How Come You Don't Call Me" or "Dangerously in Love"? She'll be lucky if she gets a chance to get her groove back next week.
I'm not saying that I want Stephanie to go home, or that she doesn't deserve to make this season's top-10 tour, but sometimes on Idol, momentum is just as important as overall talent. Of course, if voters don't judge Stephanie on this week alone, it could spell trouble for Gina Glocksen or Phil Stacey.
First of all I must say that I really enjoyed Haley Scarnato's performance of "Tell Him." Her performance was really sexy and aggressive. She didn't give her best vocal performance but she still did the best job she ever has. And of course, she looked sexy as hell in her gold halter top and brown hot pants. Simon said it best: "People are gonna be talking about a lot more than your singing." I don't think she'll leave this week.
Gina Glocksen's rendition of the Rolling Stones' "'Paint It Black" was actually the weaker vocal of the night. Part of Gina's problem is conviction; being a rocker involves more than wearing a blouse made of black leather strips and growling the words "black as night!" But even if Gina really gets in touch with her inner rock goddess, is she any more talented than season-2 castoff Kimberly Caldwell or season 4's gravelly Nadia Turner? Gina was correct when, responding to Simon's critique, she said, "I sang, I performed."' Just not particularly well!
Phil Stacey, who, when he's at his best, might possibly have the strongest voice of all the men in the competition, grappled with a similar lack of conviction on "Tobacco Road." The dude really didn't sound too solid to me and there was a paint-by-numbers feel to the performance: A. Grab mike stand. B. Stalk stage sternly. C. Sweat mightily. D. Howl! Should he go? No, Sanjaya should but we all know he won't. Phil certainly ought to survive into next week, but he's running out of time to get comfortable on the stage, and to learn to feel every word of every song he sings. That said, at least he didn't struggle with the low notes of his number this week.
The same cannot be said for Chris Sligh, who picked the night's best song (the Zombies' "She's Not There") but bordered on inaudible (and out of breath) for about a quarter of the performance. Indeed, the "she" in the song's title could've been referring to Chris's lower register, and while I'm all for interaction with the audience, I found Chris's walk through the crowd extremely distracting.
Now we have LaKisha Jones, who sang "Diamonds Are Forever." Well, at least she didn't listen to Lulu's pleas to cover "You're My World." I'm glad that she went with a really cool James Bond theme. And, yes, Kiki covered it well. Didn't miss a note, even. The only problem is she was merely borrowing Shirley Bassey's classic — right down to her gloriously campy phrasing and inflection. Sure, she did it well, but if she really wants to go farther than sixth place, she's going to have to put down the crutch of karaoke and find a way to inhabit these songs.
I also really enjoyed Chris Richardson, who beautifully delivered an acoustic version of "Don't Let the Sun Catch You Crying." Yeah, he was a little nasal at times, but it was his best vocal yet. I could see why he's one of season 6's male front-runners. Now we'll have to see if Chris R. reverts back to his melismatic ways without the spot-on coaching from Peter Noone.
Mr. Noone also seemed to help Blake Lewis stay focused on the beauty of the melody of his song choice, the Zombies' "Time of the Season." It was a great performance although Blake's beatboxing kind of felt like an afterthought tonight. His vocals were almost entirely on key — and there is no better lyrical interpreter among this season's male contestants. Bonus points should be given for the jaunty camel jacket, pink shirt, V-neck sweater, and fierce plaid pants.
I never imagined I'd say this but I actually think Melinda Doolittle could learn a little something from Blake. Not vocally, of course — the former backup singer appears to have struck some kind of Faustian pact that guarantees she'll not hit a sour note for the remainder of the competition — but rather when it comes to song selection. For the second week running, Melinda chose a show-tune ballad (Oliver!'s "As Long As He Needs Me") over any number of alternatives that could've helped her seem, well, maybe just a tiny bit contemporary. Not that I haven't loved the her and she did awesome, but if Mindy Doo's as good as I think she is, then she can handle the Rolling Stones or the Kinks or anything she damn well pleases!
If Melinda's not willing to hip it up a little (aside from her vastly improved hairstyle, that is), she could leave an opening for Jordin Sparks to snatch the Idol crown. Jordin was the best performance of the night, she totally owned it. I really did love her and her powerful, passionate rendition of Bassey's "I (Who Have Nothing)," had to rank in the top-20 Idol performances of all time. Paula was right — who cares how young Jordin is? Either her performances hold up against her competitors', or they don't. And while Simon made it sound like a bad thing that he wanted to jump off a bridge after Jordin's number, let's keep in mind that she was singing about soul-crushing, gut-busting unrequited love. The fact that Jordin actually made the surly Brit experience an emotion in the process, oh, that's just gravy.
The question who will leave? I think Phil and Gina will be in the bottom 3. In a perfect world, Sanjaya would join them. However, I don't think that will be possible this week. My money would be on Stephanie or even Haley, although I really hope not. Find out tonight!
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