New Rivalries

Was anyone else shocked that Charla and Mirna came in first? I had thought they would have been last this week. Clearly, I was wrong. Actually, no one was eliminated at all since this was the first of four non-elimination legs of the race.

With Romber gone, the show needs a new rivalry, but the best it can scare up is Team Guido versus Eric and Danielle, and, honestly, that's just not as riveting. Team Guido began this episode announcing that they were trying to be a "kinder, gentler Guido," and they certainly showed their frivolous side by sharing underwear secrets with Teri and Ian. Later, a whimsical Bill doused himself in some kind of fragrance spray at the airport, saying he now smelled like a French whore. "Doesn't matter to me!" said Joe, which I suppose was sweet and devoted, but there was also a lascivious overtone that didn't merge well with their earlier confession that they wear thongs. Those two have ruined French whores for me forever. I'm sorry but these two are incredibly annoying and I spent pretty much the whole episode wishing they would end up last.

Eventually things got tense. On their way to the roadblock, Eric urged his driver to try to pass Team Guido's car, which threw Joe and Bill into a tizzy. "You need to watch your speed, guy," Joe said threateningly to Eric, and followed it up with "You need to watch your jokes, guy." Uhhhh...hello, this is a race drama queen!

Everyone was neck and neck at the rat roadblock. Was anyone else struck by Ian's comment that he's been very, very scared of rats ever since he was in the military? There's a comment that begged for elaboration. What could have happened? When the challenge was over, however, he said that now he kind of liked rats. I hope he elaborates on that when he subsequently brings it up to people, because the sentence, "Ever since I went on a game show, I've really loved rats" raises just as many questions.

Then it was off to the detour, in which teams either had to fill 45-pound bags with coal or try to get money in a market by painting people's nails. I wonder if the eliminated Dave was really pissed when he saw the coal challenge; that could have been his time to shine. The manicure choice ended up being the far smarter pick, but I probably would have gone with the coal, too. There have been too many similar salesman challenges on the Race that have taken forever. But everyone sailed through, even Teri and Ian, who was pretty negative about his chances starting out. I could see why: Even in a culture where male nail painters are more common, Ian's wouldn't be the first face you'd trust for a beauty treatment. Well, except for waxing backs — he kind of looks like he'd be good at that. But don't mention that to him: He had a bad experience with back hair in the military.

This challenge proved so easy that Charla and Mirna ended up in first place and celebrated with some hectoring about what underdogs they are. I've noticed that whenever Mirna talks about how they're disrespected, she's always careful to blame it on Charla's height: At the beginning of the episode she said, "Somehow Charla and I muster our strength, no matter how tired we are, or that she's out of breath." And then at the end of last night's show, she contributed a morality tale about how their first-place finish should teach people not to underestimate others "just because someone's a little shorter or a little skinnier." So Charla's downside is her height, and her own is that she's too skinny? That doesn't sound like a negative at all. That's like people at a job interview who say their weakness is that they care too much. What other handicap does Mirna have? Porcelain skin, soft, bouncy hair, and an accent that drives all the cab drivers wild? Oh, and as for Charla's line about the cold Argentinean temperatures — "We're a popsicle; someone will need to suck us," — no comment.

After the nail painters all came in (the beauty queens and Teri and Ian followed the Schmirnas), Danny and Oswald were the first coal haulers at the pit stop. Those two are really carrying this show when it comes to witty banter. "You look like a faggy raccoon," Oswald said to the coal-smeared Danny as they drove to the pit stop. And when they arrived, they chased a frightened Phil around the mat, threatening to hug him with their dirty arms. It was nice to see Phil get some exercise other than the occasional purposeful stride he enlists when describing a detour.

Uchenna and Joyce offered no hugs when they arrived in last place. At the beginning of the show, Uchenna said he had to follow his intuition, because to not do so would be like saying, "God, universe, I'm not trusting you." I'm not sure what instinct Uchenna and Joyce trusted to end up in last place, but God and the universe decided to give them another shot with a non-elimination round. They're now "marked for elimination,"' which means if they don't end up in first place next week, they'll get a 30-minute penalty. I hope the producers haven't scheduled a fast forward, as they often did last year, making it too easy for the marked team to survive. Then again, if they do get to the mat early, it would give them plenty of time to jump in a mud puddle and then chase Phil around.