On the season premiere of Dancing With the Stars, there were spangles and sparring, but, despite much anticipation, the wardrobe malfunctions did not include a flying prosthetic leg. Basically, an enormous pink ruffle starred as "an outfit," two plastic bobbleheads foxtrotted to "The Power of Love," and Karina Smirnoff scored fewer points than a one-legged woman. It can only mean one thing. It's season 4 of Dancing With the Stars!
Let's start with the most abysmal: Billy Ray Cyrus. Len called his cha-cha "more like a hoedown," and as usual Bruno provided the most vivid comparison: "It was like a crazy bear lost in a swamp!" This routine did feature the first (and likely Karina's only) splits of the season, and a cringe-inducing wig malfunction, so I guess it wasn't completely worthless. But Billy Ray ruined it when, during his Samantha interview, he said, "'I Want My Mullet Back' is on my new album, and it's also on ringtones." I don't keep tabs on Billy Ray, so my first thought was, No way. That's not the name of a real song, and by mentioning ringtones, Billy Ray is simply commenting sarcastically on our hyper-commercialistic society....Wrong.
Moving on to the slightly less horrible...Heather Mills! The good news: Despite the constant teases on ABC's commercials these past weeks, one of her endless supply of pre-shoed artificial legs did not fly off her body, ricocheting past Carrie Ann's judging paddle and landing at the perfect angle from which to shoot both the leg and the Heather. Not yet, anyway. I don't presume the right to comment on her character, but dancing-wise, I just didn't find her engaging. She's a bit cold. The far more likable Leeza Gibbons did okay in her foxtrot with Tony — as Bruno said, she just needs to relax and she might be fine. She'll probably stick around for a while.
I don't see Shandi Finnessey staying in the competition for too long. Not famous enough, kind of a klutz, and I'd find it really hard to believe that anyone's buying into the kindling of her fake showmance with self-proclaimed "hot, young" dance partner Brian. I happen to find her presence on this show hilarious, but that's because I've seen her on the Game Show Network — yes, even the more unfortunate shows like the ones she hosts; you know, only when I've left the TV on in the background. She never knows any pop culture references on PlayMania, so it made perfect sense that she confused the Macarena with a margarita.
Clyde "the Glide"' Drexler was awful. He needs to own his height more on the dance floor, but that's kind of tough unless you're around other tall people instead of shrimps. I did love how he almost ripped Samantha's arm out in order to hoist the mike up to his level. I also liked John Ratzenberger's attitude. I love how he's approaching the show with such a sense of humor. The guy's a great sport for agreeing to join the party two weeks later than everyone else, and pretty light on his feet to boot. His comic timing, as well as crafty phrases like "I'm doing this for all the baby boomers everywhere," should propel him along.
Okay, we're starting to get into ''good dancer'' territory. Apolo Anton Ohno performed well— he got all the steps right, at least, and I thought it was hilarious how the judges kept telling him to correct his stooped-over posture. Of course! He spends most of his time speed skating at a 45-degree angle toward the ground. It just didn't occur to me that something that obvious would be the problem.
Paulina Porizkova didn't score too well, but she's one of my favorites of this new group solely based on her calming aura and down-to-earth personality. I loved her banter with Alec about how they'd both left communist countries only to confront now "the system" of ballroom dancing, and how she willingly acknowledged her occasional clumsiness. She could definitely improve and become well-liked over the next few weeks, but she may succumb to a Giselle Fernandez-like run — good enough not to leave, not exciting enough to stay.
Ian Ziering tied Apolo for third place after his cha-cha with the show's resident MVP, Cheryl. Does everyone realize Steve Sanders is currently 43? He looks almost exactly the same as — or a bit better than, if you ask me, especially sans permed mullet — he did on 90210. It's odd. He and Joey Fatone will be battling it out for cheesiest performance each week. Since Ian was a bit stiff (he was the first to dance), Joey gladly stepped in and completely camped it up for his cha-cha with Kym. I couldn't find anything wrong with this dance. I mean, Joey had ironed-on bling on his vest, Kym wore white tasseled trousers, and they looked like they belonged at a disco in any decade other than this one. That's pretty much the definition of this entire show. I commend Joey and Kym for delving into its true meaning so quickly.
I saved my current fave for last: the gorgeous, strong, surprisingly graceful, and sweet-as-can-be Laila Ali. She's easily the best female role model of the bunch, on any season. If the Ziering and the Fat One split their votes, Laila could pull ahead. Not to mention she's paired up with Maksim.
My one gripe would be how much ABC is stretching the deifinition of "stars" this season, more than on any other. I'm not a whole lot excited for anyone that much, other than the aforementioned Laila Ali. Well, we'll see how this season goes.
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