Sexy Time!

I'll admit it. I haven't quite been feeling DWTS high this season. There have been some solid dances, but nothing that's made me break out to celebrate. Until now! Last night's performance show was a rare delight. Was it Laila and Maks' faux lust? The promise of seeing Bruno showering on ABC.com? Edyta saying "John, vat is dat?" when he put on a kilt? Me basking in the fake-tan aura of Samantha Harris' pregnancy glow?

Apolo Anton Ohno: He got the elusive perfect 30. Yes! This is what I'm talking about. Though I've casually enjoyed some of the stars' personalities this season, none of the actual dances have had me gaping at the screen the way Apolo's samba with Julianne did. Not only did he get all the steps right while moving his hips, but the dance also contained, like, 50 more elements than all the others. Julianne could be the season 2 Cheryl of season 4 — you know she's the one behind the lightning-fast choreography, and yet it's easy to focus on the guy and believe he's doing the leading, which he was. Didn't he look sexy in those tight pants?

Laila Ali: Thank you, girl, for finally stepping it up. Or should I say slowwwly swiveling up Maksim's crotch! That whole love triangle among Laila, Maks, and Laila's fiancé (former NFL stud Curtis Conway) was very fake but very well done as far as fake love triangles go. Who's ready for a wrestling match between Maks and Curtis!

Joey Fatone: I thought his dance was pretty good. I could really feel the passion and romance between him an Kym. However, this wasn't Joey's best performance. During the dance, I didn't quite catch that Joey's problem was that he was being "too feminine." I just wanted him to stop trying to get into some character he hadn't even decided on. Or maybe he had chosen a character and it was a girl. I also think my judgment was way off during this whole dance because all I could think about was Sanjaya and his version of "Besame Mucho."

John Ratzenberger: Yes, John scored way lower than others, but he was just as entertaining. He was laughing throughout his samba with Edyta and just having fun out there. And for all that they rag on John, Clyde Drexler, and Billy Ray Cyrus for messy footwork, at least John attempts challenging moves! Clyde always looks like an Easy Glide Mop being used by a rather lethargic housekeeper, and Billy Ray just kind of gets pushed around — Karina has no other choice, because he doesn't know what he's doing, besides saying "Hannah Montana" 10 times per episode (and "Disney" once). I say let's keep John in. A for effort, and A plus for props!

Ian Ziering: Honestly, I like Ian. He's super-sincere and so goddamn earnest. So I feel sorry that I don't enjoy him more. I just don't think he has the inherent flashiness required to go far in this thing. And it's sad, because the more the judges keep begging him to turn it on and "have a good time," the more he'll psych himself out.

Heather Mills: The whole chest waxing ordeal with Jonathan was probably more interesting than the dance. I thought he looked better with the hair but to weach his own. Anyway, their samba underwhelmed and I was disappointed. Couldn't she have stood on her good leg at the end of it? The leg she's supported herself on for every other dance move save that one?

I'd say tonight's results show is John's or Clyde's to lose, since people like Billy Ray and Heather has appeared on every talk show in America.