Last night on The Amazing Race, we were treated to a special two hour episode that was probably one of the best episodes so far this season. We were taken from a solemn pilgrimage to Auschwitz to a vomiting little person doing face plants in a suit of armor. But let's wait, it's too soon to get into that. Let's begin at the beginning. With the Guidos starting out 15 hours behind the first-place team, I had déjà vu from their season 1 finale, when they found themselves 24 hours behind the two other teams. But last night it was announced that the show's producers had reserved seats for all teams on one flight from Zanzibar to Warsaw, and it was the next morning. At first this seemed like a transparent manipulation to allow everyone to catch up, but considering how much trouble they all had trying to find an alternative flight, I had to admit it made sense.
Seven hours at a travel agent? What the hell was going on over there? The travel-agency industry has been devastated by Orbitz and Priceline and the like, and this was exactly the kind of publicity that won't help their attempts to rebound one bit. But then again, if you were a Zanzibari ticket agent and a loud, pushy American like Mirna came in and started barking orders at you in an oddly Kazakhstani accent and calling you "my sister," maybe infuriating her by dragging her request out for seven hours would be a fine and rewarding way to spend the day.
Eric and Danielle quickly gave up and took the default flight, which they ended up on with Team Guido. I was awestruck by one of Danielle's remarks upon hearing they were headed to Poland: Gesturing to her blond hair, she said, "I look like a little Polish girl." What a meta moment: She thought all Polish people were blond (which they're not, really) because she'd heard so many Polish jokes, but confused them with "blondes are dumb"' jokes. This after already proving how dumb she is by wondering if Warsaw was in Zanzibar. That was moronic on so many levels that I think it might actually be smart.
Her partnership with Eric is yet another Amazing Race bit in which you don't know who to root for. Ninety-three percent of what comes out of her mouth is imbecile, but Eric is such a jerk to her that you end up pitying her. Is he angry that by being the dumb one, she is stealing his act? How dare she force him into the role of the "smart partner"? Well, unfortunately for them, they missed their connection with the their other flight and were stuck nearly a whole day behind along with the Guidos.
Meanwhile, the others went ahead. Dustin's beauty-pageant talent — playing the piano — came in handy when she and Kandice ran away with the piano-tuning challenge. Also, apparently everyone in Poland hated Charla and Mirna. Each cab driver glared at them, and nobody in the street wanted to help them. I did think a lot of them were pretty rude and I don't think the Schmirnas deserved that.
As the second hour came around, the craziness really happened. Let's begin with the field trip to Auschwitz. The show has scheduled serious, heartbreaking stops before, like at Nelson Mandela's old cell, or at an infamous slave-ship port. I never like them; the producers bend over backwards to slow down the action and make sure to show everyone upset, shaken, and moved. But eventually that soul-searching has to end, and they all go back to running around the world for a million dollars.
The switch to the Auschwitz scene was jarring; one minute everyone was joking around, getting on the charter bus, and then suddenly, a sad violin started playing and everyone got introspective. They arrived at the camp and lit candles and reflected. Most of the contestants were really moved, except for Eric, who said the experience put his and Danielle's bickering in perspective. That goofball shouldn't flatter himself: An episode of Hannah Montana could put their bickering in perspective; Auschwitz should knock him out for a month.
Eventually, everyone got back into the game. Uchenna, Joyce, Danny, and Oswald teamed up for the simple stair-counting fast forward, forcing the beauty queens to wait hours for the trailing second charter bus and pair up with Charla and Mirna. Then off they dashed to the sausage challenge — because what better way to follow up a trip to Auschwitz then with a pork-gorging competition, right?
The teams first had to make their own sausage, which I think was Bertram van Munster's way of celebrating being out of the family hour of 8 to 9. If you closed your eyes, you would have thought you were watching butcher-shop porn. "I say eat the kielbasa!" crowed Bill. "That's so much bigger than I ever thought," oohed Mirna. "Just make it really long, like he did," said Joe. Was it me or were the Guidos very excited it was a sausage eating competition?
And then came the eating: two feet of sausage per person. Dustin finished first and celebrated by throwing it all up. And then came Charla. Keep in mind she was being asked to eat more than half her height in sausage, so it's no wonder it backed up on her. And then — with an oddly unfazed expression — she took a knife handle, stuck it down her throat, and made herself vomit to make room to finish. I gotta say, I was impressed. Disgusted, but impressed. When she did it, her whole rear section convulsed like a donkey kicking. The nauseated expressions on everyone else's faces were priceless. When she was taking her last bite, Charla said, "Please, God, take it down." I too found myself asking God to "please drop everything for a minute and help Charla fit one more bite, because I don't want to see what she'll do with a soup ladle to get the job done."
At this point, with the last four teams running largely neck and neck, there was no real suspense as to who would lose, since the Guidos had a 30-minute penalty coming. But after all the chaos and upchucking, seeing who won was beside the point. ''How can they top this?'' I thought to myself — and then Mirna went crazy on some cab drivers. ''You think I'm made of money, I'm a young girl, I don't have hundred dollars!'' she screamed at the cabbies she wanted to lead her. Mirna needs to realize that it's pretty hard to come off as needy, helpless, and frail when you're being trailed by a camera crew.
And then the big finish: the suit-of-armor roadblock. Charla may be only slightly less nuts than her cousin, but she is a damn good sport. You just know that when the producers laid out a suit of armor for her, they were praying, "Oh, please let Charla take this roadblock," because they knew it would look silly. And she knew it would look silly. But she did it. She was visibly ill, and she'd just endured her wack-job cousin screaming at her and blaming her for everything on the whole car trip, but she still put on the metal suit. Even with two magnificent face-plants, she still ended up in fourth place, and she never once looked embarrassed, just determined. And the Guidos, who finished right before Eric and Danielle, were finally eliminated because of their penalty.
I can't believe we are getting so close to the end with only 5 teams remaining. This season ha sjust been so awesome. Next week looks like it will be good too.
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