American Idol Returns

And so, here begins another 5 month journey for American Idol. The hit show kicked off its sixth season yesterday with a bevy of bad auditions in Minneapolis. Things kicked off last night with 21-year-old Jessica Rhodes' poor but by no means unbearable imitation of Jewel's "You Were Meant for Me." I was surprised she was chosen as the very first audition we saw. She practically started to cry before even catching a glimpse of Simon, Paula, and Randy, as well as her personal idol, guest panelist Jewel, who mainly pinch-hit for a strangely sedate Paula.

As far as bad auditions go, she wouldn't crack this show's top 100. You can't group her with the gimmicky fame whores, like the "urban Amish" dude who was so tiresome and self-aware I'm not going to bother to remember his name, nor the truly damaged individuals who inevitably cast a slightly nauseating feeling over the show's early weeks. And yet the more I think about it, Jessica's audition was the perfect starting point for the next five months of Idol-mania. In this context, the lyrics of "You Were Meant for Me" perfectly summed up the kind of low-grade delusion that keeps this show humming until the real talent takes over with the top 32.

Except, oh boy, Jessica is most certainly not meant for Idol. In fact, if music could take out a restraining order, she'd probably have to keep a distance of 20 feet for the rest of her natural life. As Randy gently told Jessica, "You don't have to be a singer," Simon brilliantly added, "The good news today is you found out you're not going to be."

Ahhh, welcome to season 6 of Idol! Eleven minutes in, a dream is dead.

And yet, not quite as dead as it should be. As Jessica's family hugged and consoled her post-rejection, she defiantly declared, "I'm not gonna stop." Apparently, that kind of honesty is hard to come by nowadays. Otherwise, we wouldn't have had the pleasure of experiencing Jesse Holloway's "unique vocal range" while he did to "My Heart Will Go On" what that infamous iceberg did to the Titanic. It's always fun when a contestant huffs, "You're entitled to your opinion," after getting a bad critique — as if having qualified for high-school chorus puts him on equal footing with the panelists who are being paid to decide his fate.

Tonight's hardest audition to watch, however, came courtesy of 16-year-old Jason Anderson, the singer-juggler who almost had me hurting for him as he sobbed into his mother's shoulder, his orthodontic device hinting of another Ugly Betty in a world of Halles and Angelinas. But then Jason had to go and ruin it. Responding to a relative's observation, "You're only 16," he angrily barked back, "I wanted to start out famous!" Um, that's not how it works. Every once in a great while, somebody comes into the world sounding like Aretha Franklin or Frank Sinatra or Kelly Clarkson. The rest of us have to slum it. We go to school. Pay attention. Work hard. Find something we're halfway good at and hope that somebody will pay us to show up five days a week and do it.

As Jason ranted in the hallway, the producers executed the night's finest bit of camerawork, panning to fellow contestant Brenna Kyner, whose facial expression was a mixture of horror, befuddlement, and perhaps just a trace of amusement. No, Brenna couldn't sing to save her life either, but the self-declared biggest fan of Idol knows train-wreck TV when she's staring at it. Speaking of which, don't you kind of wish Idol's producers would work on a slightly more satisfying talent-to-torture ratio in these early rounds? Yeah, I was mesmerized and amused while Tashawn Moore gave a stream-of-consciousness take on Prince's "Kiss," but seeing as 17 singers made it from Minneapolis to Hollywood, why did we only get to see seven successful auditions?

I bet that we did not see the season 6 winner perform tonight. Ranking tonight's top three, I'd hand the gold to Sarah Krueger, who delivered a disarmingly lovely "Somewhere Over the Rainbow," while maintaining a refreshing normalcy that kind of reminded me of Kelly Clarkson. My personal favorite was former "crack-baby" Denise Jackson, who belted out "And I Am Telling You," although she does need some work, I'm sure she will go far. And while her fellow 16-year-old Matt Sato suffered from much the same problem on "California Dreamin," I'm looking forward to seeing how he grows in Hollywood.

The rest of tonight's successful auditions suggested the judges may be factoring in personality as much as vocal chops when handing out golden tickets. How could you not like the charming Jarrod Fowler after watching him take first prize in the USS Ronald Reagan's internal Idol competition? But Jewel's warning about the ubiquitous "pitchiness" during his rendition of "Bless the Broken Road" was totally on target. I did like fellow Colombian Perla Meneses. Okay, her voice may not be the strongest but she does have potential to grow.

So today we will head to Seattle where it looks like things are going to get much, much worse.