Ask The Bi Guy

Dear Bi Guy,

I have been dating a girl for a month and we are finally ready to have sex. Well, I had a romantic night planned last Friday and I thought that may be the special night. I really wanted to have fun and make her enjoy herself. So, the moment came and we were making it in bed. Things were moving along normally. I had started to get hard and was so into it. I could tell she was too. Suddenly, all these paranoid thoughts come to my mind. I started wondering if she would think I'm too small or if I didn't last long enough. That quickly progressed into my thinking if she doesn't orgasm. Before I knew it, I had become so distracted that I had lost my erection and wasn't even focusing on her. After that I freaked out and told her I wasn't feeling good. She was so disappointed in me. I thought she would cry. This really sucks because she is a wonderful girl and I see a future with her. I feel flustered, confused and inadequate. What's wrong with me? Is it going to keep happening? Am I horrible lover?

Thanks,

Jason from Florida


Dear Jason,

I want to let you know that performance anxiety is a very common sexual problem in which men (and yes, even women) acquire brutal anxiety when it comes time to engage in sexual activity. What ultimately happens is that you become so fully engrossed in the fear of the inability to perform, that it ends up overtaking what should've been a spontaneous flow of sexual feelings. The fear of not being able to perform sexually can affect guys in a variety of ways:

1. They tend to avoid sexual encounters.
2. They can develop low self-esteem.
3. The relationship may deteriorate.
4. It can lead to sexual dysfunction.

There are a multitude of reasons why this could be happening to you. So take a few steps back and look for what could be causing such intense anxiety. Guys are usually quick to point out that they aren't feeling stress in any way, but if you'd take a minute and really think about it, there is something at the root of this particular problem -- find it. Stress can stem from anywhere. The fact that these things are weighing heavily on your mind is deterring you from delving into your sexual experience with no holds barred. And once you're able to leave all the muck on the outside and let the bedroom be your sexual sanctuary, you will finally overcome your performance anxiety.

What you need to do is take the pressure off of yourself. Remember it takes two to tango. Don't rush into having sex just for the hell of it, rather take the time to appreciate the woman that you have before your eyes. She's yours for the taking and if you would simply focus all of your attention on her, you're nervousness might slowly dissipate. Keep in mind that performance anxiety affects almost everyone, from the beginner to the most seasoned professional. You're not a freak and you're definitely not alone. Keep telling yourself that you are the man. Always stay positive and know that you have complete control over your body. Enforce that control.

It may also help to talk with her about your fear. Spend the evening talking about all the dirty deeds you imagine doing to one another. It'll take your mind off your temporary drawback, and may even encourage the sleeping giant to awaken and take his woman, and make love with her like never before. The power of positive thinking can help you accomplish anything, and if you believe that you will have great sex, you will. And believe it or not, after the first time you overcome this anxiety, you will have the confidence to turn your self-fulfilling prophecy into something positive. With patience, a clear mind, and a comfortable relationship with a great woman, you'll be able to free yourself of this vicious cycle and engage in that kick-butt sex you always knew you were destined for.

Sincerely,

The Bi Guy