Patriot Games

With Danny and Oswald's elimination this week, I realized how much I'll miss them. Team Cha-Cha held on to their innocence by maintaining great attitudes and staying above the holier-than-thou sniping that plagued the other teams, Things were going their way, until the yield.

Now, in this metaphor, the yield was not forbidden fruit. If anything, the Amazing Race gods wanted them to use it. Danny and Oswald's original sin was that they allowed the snakes (the other teams) to convince them the yield was evil. So, after using it, they were made to discover shame, and paradise was ruined, just as it was when Adam and Eve felt self-conscious once they realized they were naked. (Danny and Oswald's fig leaf was the phrase ''Karma is a bitch!'') And, lo, they were sent forth from the race and banished to Elimination Station.

Oh, and when Oswald saw Charla in an aviator helmet and said, "Oh, my God, the Teletubbies go to war"? I think that was absolutely hilarious.

Anyway, let's get to a recap. Danny and Oswald started this penultimate leg at a disadvantage. Contrary to the end of last week's episode, which made it seem like Danielle and Eric's marked-for-elimination hourglass had just barely run out before Cha-Cha arrived, Oswald and Danny had actually arrived a good 60 minutes later, according to departure times. But the producers do love to build that tension. This week they were pulling all the tricks out of the false-suspense playbook to make it seem like Danny and Oswald wouldn't catch up to everyone else as they raced through the airport for the flight to Guam: We saw attendants doing final checks, gates retracting, engines being fired up. I'm surprised we didn't see a woman slowly dragging a baby carriage up the airline stairs as Cha-Cha dashed her way.

But everyone ended up bunched together in Guam for a day of patriotic fun and games. The trip was basically a tour of America's finest (and seemingly most free-time-filled) military bases. Plane cleaning was one of the detours, and every team picked it except Charla and Mirna, who opted for a "humanitarian mission." For that, they needed to pack two boxes with a total of 500 pounds of toys and food for "locals," then get aboard the cargo plane for a parachute drop-off. "I like to help people who are in need!" chirped Charla, who then proceeded to haphazardly dump enormous bags of dog food on top of children's toys to get the job done as fast as possible, while a nearby flyboy winced. After the drop, Mirna pestered the military personnel to tell the captain to get the plane back ASAP, as they had a million bucks to win. Apparently the "people in need" Charla referred to was Mirna.

But the real fun came when everyone moved to the naval base for a roadblock using a GPS tracker to find a "downed pilot" hiding in some bushes. Dustin did it with no problem, and Danielle panicked, but as usual, it was Charla who gave us the gold. She kept pushing buttons and screwing up the GPS, even as her soldier escort repeatedly told her not to. "Ma'am, you're not allowed to touch the buttons." "Ma'am, I told you not to touch the screen." And this was only what got edited in to the show.

I was surprised the soldier was so patient with her, considering that their outing together had started with Charla complimenting him on his hard work by saying, ''No wonder there's all these military, Navy discounts....You guys do too much good stuff.'' Ultimately, Charla was able to keep her mitts off the GPS long enough to just edge out Oswald. Granted, Oswald wasn't much more talented with his tracking device. He wandered for a while looking for his missing soldier, who was in the bushes just a few feet away. Finally, the soldier just stood up and waved his water bottle at Oswald. It's interesting that these soldiers are trained to keep their cool during terrifying battles, to remain silent during interrogations, and yet it's a reality show that breaks their resistance.

Ultimately, Cha-Cha lost, and the beauty queens came in first yet again, winning generic, brandless ATVs. When the beauty queens arrived, Phil not only greeted them with Browsie, but he also dangled for the umpteenth time that they could be the first all-female team to win, something he never does for Charla and Mirna. There's something kind of creepy about the way he keeps pointing this out to Dustin and Kandice; it's like he's hoping that if they win, they'll make out on the mat and let him watch.

If Eric and Danielle win, I doubt they'll make out. Does anyone out there believe they were ever actually dating? They've got about as much romantic spark as last season's Peter and artificial-legged Sarah. Hell, they have as much spark as Peter and the artificial leg. Even when Eric and Danielle landed on the mat last night, securing their place in the final sprint, all Eric did was give her a side hug, the kind you'd give to a distant cousin. What no kiss?

Next week: The Season Finale!