And The Winners Are...

Eric and Danielle!!!! Now how did Eric and Danielle — yielded twice and always on the precipice of being eliminated — win? Perhaps they just wanted it more. As Eric said, missing first place by only five minutes his first time around was one of the most bitter things he's ever had to deal with. Near the end of the episode, he swore that he would not settle for second place; it was first or nothing.

When the finale began, Charla and Mirna took an early lead, thanks to some due diligence checking flights. (After making it this far on their second race, how could no other teams go beyond asking one ticket agent when trying to find the quickest route?) They got a flight that landed 20 minutes before the other teams. In Hawaii, Schmirna continued their lead through the detour, but as soon as their next clue said they'd have to run a mile on the beach, I knew their advantage would soon vanish. Sand is like kryptonite to Charla's Heelys. And Mirna's yelling is like kryptonite to my ears. As she kept up her steady patter of "Charla, you have to run, it's a race, oh, my God, they're going to pass us!" I realized that an oil spill would be less of a blight on Hawaii's beaches than Mirna's voice.

There was no roadblock on this final leg. Instead we got a group challenge where each team had to kayak against strong currents and waves to fetch a clue on a buoy. I knew Schmirna would have trouble with this challenge, but I didn't predict how the beauty queens would struggle. Dustin wanted to get out and walk the kayak in the shallow water and apparently wasn't listening to Kandice's pleas to get back in the boat. The team that had not bickered once in two seasons finally hit their breaking point, and after the challenge, they had it out in the car. Well, they did the beauty-queen version of "having it out." I've never seen a calmer argument in my life.

Kandice calmly chastised Dustin for not being a good teammate, and Dustin apologized and said that Kandice was her number one bestest buddy and that there was no one she'd rather have sign her yearbook. She leaked out a couple of delicate tears and then they agreed that they indeed were best friends 4-eva. "We have a race to run, sister!" cried Kandice.

The final sprint came in San Francisco, with a challenge that was a mix of Big Brother and The Newlywed Game, in which the teams had to prove how well they could predict their partners' answers. Thankfully, the questions were all about the other teams, so no one was made to consider the strangest place Mirna had ever made whoopee. (The correct answer, by the way, is "Please, sir, wherever you want it to be, just take my money and get me to airport!")

Now, I just made fun of Mirna yet again, but this challenge put her and Charla in a new light. The teams were asked to assign superlatives to their competitors; one of the categories was "best sense of humor," and Eric and Danielle and the beauty queens both picked Schmirna. Considering we've only seen other teams curse the cousins, this gave me pause. What if all their foolishness was an act for the camera, and the other teams were in on it? What if they're really funny, likable people?

But with 10 minutes left to go in the entire race, it was too late to change my opinion, so I shook off this nagging doubt as Danielle matched Eric's answers and retrieved their last clue from the safe while Charla and Kandice struggled. Though the other two teams were behind them and the editors tried to make it seem like the beauty queens were hitting nothing but green lights while Eric and Danielle got nothing but red, the end was obvious. Eric and Danielle trotted in to the awkward reaction shots of their fallen rivals. Rob and Amber's smug applause looked particularly odd, as if it were shot separately and inserted into the show. Maybe Romber couldn't attend the finale because they were already on to their next TV series.

Even with the joy of winning a million dollars, Eric couldn't muster up any real affection for Danielle, settling for uncomfortably pressing his lips against her forehead. Jeez, in season 6, after Hayden and Aaron landed only in fourth place, and he had spent the entire race being browbeaten and whined at by Hayden, Aaron still proposed to her on the mat. But all Eric could muster was that? Now, I am a romantic, and I wanted to believe that he and Danielle were truly as meant for each other as they claimed, so I was determined to ignore his apparent hesitation....

And then, as an added prize, Phil handed Eric the phone. It was his old teammate and close, close, close, close friend, Jeremy. "I'm gonna give you some spankings when you get home!" cried Jeremy, and a glow came over Eric that I hadn't seen him get once from his current teammate. Sorry, Danielle, you busty beard, you. You never had a chance.

So, now that it's all wrapped up, I think that The Amazing Race: All-Stars ranks as one of the best seasons yet. The cast was great and there was a classic mix of comedy and drama that I love from the show. I hope the producers pick equally enjoyable people for their next season. As for the winners, while I rooted for the Beauty Queens, the right team won. Eric and Danielle were the underdogs, having clawed their way to the top after being on the verge of elimination and having been yielded twice. They stayed strong and worked hard to make it to the top. And that's what the race is all about. See you next season!

Patriot Games

With Danny and Oswald's elimination this week, I realized how much I'll miss them. Team Cha-Cha held on to their innocence by maintaining great attitudes and staying above the holier-than-thou sniping that plagued the other teams, Things were going their way, until the yield.

Now, in this metaphor, the yield was not forbidden fruit. If anything, the Amazing Race gods wanted them to use it. Danny and Oswald's original sin was that they allowed the snakes (the other teams) to convince them the yield was evil. So, after using it, they were made to discover shame, and paradise was ruined, just as it was when Adam and Eve felt self-conscious once they realized they were naked. (Danny and Oswald's fig leaf was the phrase ''Karma is a bitch!'') And, lo, they were sent forth from the race and banished to Elimination Station.

Oh, and when Oswald saw Charla in an aviator helmet and said, "Oh, my God, the Teletubbies go to war"? I think that was absolutely hilarious.

Anyway, let's get to a recap. Danny and Oswald started this penultimate leg at a disadvantage. Contrary to the end of last week's episode, which made it seem like Danielle and Eric's marked-for-elimination hourglass had just barely run out before Cha-Cha arrived, Oswald and Danny had actually arrived a good 60 minutes later, according to departure times. But the producers do love to build that tension. This week they were pulling all the tricks out of the false-suspense playbook to make it seem like Danny and Oswald wouldn't catch up to everyone else as they raced through the airport for the flight to Guam: We saw attendants doing final checks, gates retracting, engines being fired up. I'm surprised we didn't see a woman slowly dragging a baby carriage up the airline stairs as Cha-Cha dashed her way.

But everyone ended up bunched together in Guam for a day of patriotic fun and games. The trip was basically a tour of America's finest (and seemingly most free-time-filled) military bases. Plane cleaning was one of the detours, and every team picked it except Charla and Mirna, who opted for a "humanitarian mission." For that, they needed to pack two boxes with a total of 500 pounds of toys and food for "locals," then get aboard the cargo plane for a parachute drop-off. "I like to help people who are in need!" chirped Charla, who then proceeded to haphazardly dump enormous bags of dog food on top of children's toys to get the job done as fast as possible, while a nearby flyboy winced. After the drop, Mirna pestered the military personnel to tell the captain to get the plane back ASAP, as they had a million bucks to win. Apparently the "people in need" Charla referred to was Mirna.

But the real fun came when everyone moved to the naval base for a roadblock using a GPS tracker to find a "downed pilot" hiding in some bushes. Dustin did it with no problem, and Danielle panicked, but as usual, it was Charla who gave us the gold. She kept pushing buttons and screwing up the GPS, even as her soldier escort repeatedly told her not to. "Ma'am, you're not allowed to touch the buttons." "Ma'am, I told you not to touch the screen." And this was only what got edited in to the show.

I was surprised the soldier was so patient with her, considering that their outing together had started with Charla complimenting him on his hard work by saying, ''No wonder there's all these military, Navy discounts....You guys do too much good stuff.'' Ultimately, Charla was able to keep her mitts off the GPS long enough to just edge out Oswald. Granted, Oswald wasn't much more talented with his tracking device. He wandered for a while looking for his missing soldier, who was in the bushes just a few feet away. Finally, the soldier just stood up and waved his water bottle at Oswald. It's interesting that these soldiers are trained to keep their cool during terrifying battles, to remain silent during interrogations, and yet it's a reality show that breaks their resistance.

Ultimately, Cha-Cha lost, and the beauty queens came in first yet again, winning generic, brandless ATVs. When the beauty queens arrived, Phil not only greeted them with Browsie, but he also dangled for the umpteenth time that they could be the first all-female team to win, something he never does for Charla and Mirna. There's something kind of creepy about the way he keeps pointing this out to Dustin and Kandice; it's like he's hoping that if they win, they'll make out on the mat and let him watch.

If Eric and Danielle win, I doubt they'll make out. Does anyone out there believe they were ever actually dating? They've got about as much romantic spark as last season's Peter and artificial-legged Sarah. Hell, they have as much spark as Peter and the artificial leg. Even when Eric and Danielle landed on the mat last night, securing their place in the final sprint, all Eric did was give her a side hug, the kind you'd give to a distant cousin. What no kiss?

Next week: The Season Finale!

Bad Karma?

You know what I like to hear Amazing Racers talk about? The yield. I just can't get enough of it! Is it ethical to use it? Is it poor sportsmanship? Is it sleazy? Does it bring on bad karma? Blah, blah, blah.

That's how viscerally sick I am of that triangular yellow bastard after last night's episode of The Amazing Race. With all the incessant chattering about the moral ramifications of using the aforementioned stalling technique, you would have thought they were debating abortion. I've said it in past weeks, I'll say it again: The yield is a legitimate tool of the game; it's not like someone hobbled Danielle and Eric with a golf club to the kneecaps.

How established is it? Phil is so accustomed to introducing the damn thing that he went on autopilot, giving his age-old spiel that teams "need to decide on the best time to use it," even though this was the last yield, and thus there was no strategizing necessary.

When the first-place but cash-poor Danny and Oswald yielded Danielle and Eric (in exchange for the beauty queens' giving them money), Team Cha-Cha found themselves questioning whether they'd done the right thing. Mirna also weighed in: First she said it was stupid strategy to use a yield at the beginning of a leg, when people still had plenty of time to catch up. Wait, wouldn't that be stupidity on the part of the producers, who put the yield there in the first place? And also, why not take any advantage wherever you can? She later changed her tune to the usual warnings of bad karma hoodoo and said that working with the beauty queens was like making a deal with the devil. And Eric, of course, couldn't appear on camera without ranting that Danny and Oswald were cowards/backstabbers/unworthy of respect.

With all of this superior proselytizing about the evils of the yield, I was hoping the episode was setting up to be a delightful morality tale. As Eric and Danielle gained more and more ground, eventually landing in second place — but having to wait out their 30-minute penalty as a result of being marked for elimination — I thought of how wonderful it would be if Danny and Oswald arrived just minutes before they could check in. This would prove to Mirna and Eric that it was good strategy for Oswald to have used the yield — if he hadn't, he and Danny would have been last. And the moral is: Good strategy will always triumph over sour grapes!

I did get a morality tale, but it was the wrong one. Team Cha-Cha didn't catch up; they arrived last, after Eric and Danielle's penalty ended. Though they were saved by the last non-elimination round. So now Mirna has had her karma theory confirmed, and Eric is secure in his opinion that God smote down Danny and Oswald for their backstabbing ways. Even the Cha-Chas bought into the myth that they were evil, evil people, saying that karma bit them and it was their own fault. No, no, no! That's not the lesson at all! The lesson is, if your cab driver takes you to the wrong place, don't get back in the car with that cab driver, let alone have him shuttle you around all over China!

Believe it or not, there were a couple of challenges scattered between discussions of the yield. The first one was at Macau Tower, allegedly home to the highest sky jump in the world. Then came the noodles-versus-dragon challenge. I loved Danny and Oswald's reason for picking dragon: They knew they'd be good at it because they'd had a similarly themed challenge back in their original season. I'm not sure that delivering a dragon head is that specific a skill — it's really just lugging, even if it is a slightly more ornate object than usual.

And did I dream what I think I saw at the noodle challenge? As each team struggled to pat down dough with a giant stick, I thought I saw Charla humping the table in a cloud of flour, while Mirna rode the stick like it was a dragon trying to flick her off its tail. It looked like they were recreating a Lucy and Ethel scene from I Love Lucy.

I held out hope that Danny and Oswald would pull ahead when, upon leaving the noodle factory, the gearshift-deficient Mirna drove the Mini Moke into a curb and couldn't back it up. Snapping at Charla for never driving, she even got out and tried to pull the car backward with her hands. We haven't seen the desperate, illogical side of Mirna for a few weeks now, and it's good to have it back. All this scene was missing was her pleading with the car in a hybrid Sino-Turkic-Swedish accent and stuffing dollar bills into its gas tank as an incentive to drive itself.

Alas, Mirna's frenzy was not crazy enough to make the Schmirnas lose out, and Danny and Oswald were the final team to arrive, though they were saved by a final non-elimination round. Which, of course, made no sense, considering that this week Danielle and Eric were marked for elimination. Marked for elimination in a non-elimination round? Maybe Eric should consider that the next time he's whining about the game taking an unfair turn.

Next week, the final three will be finalized, leading up to the season finale the following week. To be honest, I'm not even sure of whom I want/don't want to go to the end. I have a fair amount of respect for all 4 teams and I would love to see them all win, but I know they can't so my guess is: the Schmirnas, Eric and Danielle, and the Beauty Queens. Sorry, Cha-Chas!

Suspense Free

I had no time to write my own summary for the Amazing Race, so here is one from EW.com:

Amazing Race fans didn't get an elimination. They didn't get exciting challenges. They didn't get much suspense. So who did get something out of this hour of mediocre TV? Travelocity, which had more plugs than Nicolas Cage. (What? I'm talking about his large power-strip collection! You didn't think I was talking about his hair, did you? For shame!)

With all the Travelocity Gnome product placement and general sucking up (oooh, Danny and Oswald won Travelocity's biggest...prize...ever! Two times the room service! And warm nuts on the plane! Oh, the warmth! Oh, the nuts!), I began to wonder if the producers were becoming a little desperate about their few commercial tie-ins and were going overboard just to make sure the travel company sticks around. Other than Travelocity, AR doesn't seem to have any marketing deals. There have been a few recent legs when the winners have gotten, say, a motor scooter. No brand name, just ''You've won a motor scooter,'' and then everyone stands there at the mat awkwardly, as if Phil had just handed them an old broken scooter he found in Bertram van Munster's basement. If Mark Burnett — the master of cross-promotion — were running this show, every racer's backpack would be so swaddled in logos they'd look like NASCAR vehicles. Hell, Burnett would find a way to put brand names on the local currency; you'd have racers begging at foreign-exchange desks: ''Please, sir, I need to trade my South African Taco Bell Think Outside the Bun rands for Indian Budweiser King of Beers rupees!''

The lack of promotional partners was doubly noticeable in this week's ''movie stunt'' fast-forward. Phil said that Danny and Oswald would be taking part in a ''real movie stunt!'' Isn't a real movie stunt done for a real movie? I've seen a lot of really cheap, crappy action movies in my day, but I've never seen one where a car is actually driving around cones. Was this a new Vin Diesel movie set in the high-stakes world of driver's ed? About six years ago, the Road Rules/Real World Challenge had teams compete by Rollerblading on the set of the remake of Rollerball. Sure, that movie sucked, but at least it was real. All the Amazing Race producers could wrangle was a souped-up minivan, one camera on a tripod, and a fire extinguisher. That is one minivan more than a porn shoot in somebody's basement.

So the van rolled over, Danny and Oswald shrieked, and then they were all fine. The producers tried to build in some ''are they all right?'' suspense, but it was a stunt, for God's sake. Clearly everyone was going to be all right; the AR people wouldn't have set this up if there were only a 60 percent chance that a team wouldn't die. It was anticlimactic, just like the other challenges.

What was it about Hong Kong that sucked all the creativity out of the challenge creators? Perhaps it's their very narrow view of the city, as evidenced by Phil's explanation of the detour: ''These are two things that most people associate with Hong Kong: kung fu fighting...and lost in translation.'' By ''most people,'' does he mean people who don't know anything about the outside world other than what they see on Flix? Or does he mean people who can't tell the difference between China and Japan? (Lost in Translation was set in Tokyo.) I guess we should just be happy that the detour wasn't ''Hong Kong Phooey...or loud gong sound effect.''

What was the point of the kung fu challenge? When climbing the scaffolding, they were in about as much danger from the gymnastic ninjas as Danny and Oswald were in that car. Now, had the flying kung fu masters actually been trying to knock them off, that would have been something. But this was just like trying to climb a ladder during a performance of Stomp.

And the roadblock: kicking down doors? Really? That's the best they could come up with in Hong Kong? Did the challenge producer have food poisoning this week and hand his duties over to Chip, the low-bar intern? Chip better not get college credit for door kicking.

The only real excitement that came in this episode was from the airport shenanigans in Kuala Lumpur. Danny and Oswald truly outsmarted everyone else with their behind-the-scenes maneuvering at the airline offices. And they did so with Team Schmirna by their side. I tried to look at Schmirna objectively this week: They are crafty, and they do remain in good spirits when on the run. But when Danny and Oswald have fun on challenges, we all cheer them on as perfect specimens of racers. When they outsmart the other teams, we say, ''Good for them!'' When Schmirna act chipper and resourceful, we want a ninja to kick them off an 11-story scaffold.

I guess it's because Danny and Oswald are consistent, whereas Mirna and Charla are utter hypocrites. At the beginning of the episode, they tsk-tsked the beauty queens' use of the yield on Danielle and Eric. ''There's really no reason to resort to dirty play,'' said Mirna. It's not dirty play — it's a rule set in place by the creators of the game. It's not like they took the yield sign and slashed Eric's tires with it.

But then, after all their smug dissing of the blondies — including trying to ally everyone against them — Schmirna acted just as questionably. Trying to use Danny and Oswald's standby status to vault in front of the BQs? Had they not just inveighed against questionable play, it would have been a shrewd, sneaky move. But if you choose to take the high road, you better stay in your own car. Or at least ride on your own Heelys. (This crappy aphorism brought to you by Writing This Column at 12:41 a.m.!)

Ultimately, just as last week there was no suspense because it was so obvious that Uchenna and Joyce were going to be bounced, this week there was no tension because I knew we were due for a non-elimination. Plus, Eric and Danielle were so far back that there was no chance anyone else would end up in last place. With just two episodes left, things should get back to the excitement of a few weeks ago. Otherwise, I'd recommend a new sponsor for The Amazing Race: NoDoz.

Playing the Yield

So, last night's episode was a little underwhelming when compared to the previous week bit it still was pretty good. Once you had a single team so far behind that the producers couldn't even fake that they were "still in it!" via editing, what possible suspense could there be? Think about it: The fact that we didn't see Uchenna and Joyce once between when they missed their connecting flight in Frankfurt and when they drove to the first challenge after everyone else had checked in at the pit stop meant the producers didn't have a single frame of footage in which the team or a ticket agent said anything that might have registered as a glimmer of hope.

The AR editors are wizards of misdirection; they could take footage of a doctor telling a patient he has a month to live and make it look like the doc was advising him to start training for the Olympics. But making Uchenna and Joyce look like contenders? They're not magicians, people. It's not as if I feel bad for them. Uchenna and Joyce have already won. Besides, there was just something about them that always seemed like they were succeeding by accident. Perhaps it's because whenever they ran out of an airport, they looked dazed, like they'd just been thrown from an amusement park teacup ride. Some will argue that it was their kindly, no-nonsense attitude that made them deserve to win, but it was that very attitude that made me indifferent.

And what of the people who were actually in contention this week? First, let's discuss Eric and Danielle. Specifically, Danielle. More specifically, Danielle's chest. I have resisted making comments about it until now because that just seemed too cheap. But it's become unignorable: Is it my imagination, or were they beautifully bigger than ever on this leg? Did she cheer herself up after Auschwitz by getting a quickie boob job? Apparently she grew tired of everyone staring at her chest, because she came up with a way to lure people's eyes up higher: When she got on the bike to do the recycling roadblock, she put her bike helmet on backward. What was the thought process there?

They were also yielded by the Beauty Queens. They got pissed off naturally. Danielle tried to talk big about the revenge she would reap, but with her Staten Island accent, she just sounded like a hairdresser yapping about getting a bad tip for a full perm. Granted, this was preferable to hearing Eric call the queens "dirty pirate hookers," an insult I'm not entirely sure I understood. What exactly are pirate hookers? Do they throw the parrot in for free? What will they do with their peg leg if you offer up a couple of extra pieces of eight? And do they warn johns, "Just don't get it in my eye patch!"? So many questions.

And then there were Danny and Oswald; last week's coming attraction made it seem they would be practically brawling in the streets. Their actual disagreement was low-key compared with other teams' past intrasquabbles. Even amid the bickering, they seemed to work well together. Well, except for the fact that they couldn't decide whether to stick with the cookie-tasting or batik challenge. Back and forth they went; I was surprised that they didn't decide to go back to Krakow to get in a suit of armor again.

As for our Team Schmirna update, here's what I learned: They are equally insufferable when they're winning as when they're in a panic over losing. Mirna was in high spirits on this leg, even when blowing out cookie powder by the ounce. But the worst moment came when a Malaysian recognized the cousins, giving Mirna the opportunity to talk of how grateful she was to have fans all around the world. Yeah, just wait until this season airs, then come back to Malaysia and see what kind of fans you have. I can already picture them walking down the streets, waving to their public, while the entire population of Kuala Lumpur awkwardly whistles tunelessly, looks down at their feet, and hurries their pace.

When Mirna the goodwill ambassador finished her roadblock, she shouted encouragement to the youths who helped her ("the future Charlas and Mirnas of the world!" she called them). She yipped out guidance for the future: "Don't do drugs! Win more medals in school!" If she really wanted them to be future Schmirnas, she should have given them some more advice: "Always carry a chip on one shoulder, and a misguided sense of superiority in your backpack!" "Don't forget to affect a weird, generic third-world accent when talking to foreigners!" And, most important, "If at first you don't succeed, frighten a local taxi driver with your desperation!" All that advice stood Charla and Mirna in good stead, landing them in second place this leg. They were right behind the beauty queens.

After all the teams were in, Uchenna and Joyce reappeared, sad and accepting of their fate. "You can't win 'em all,"' they said, and professed a rediscovered love. Which, granted, is exactly what they said after they won season 7. I hope this time it sticks, although if things get shaky again, maybe we'll see them trying to reconcile while competing as newbies on the next Real World/Road Rules Challenge.

Twice As Good

Last night on The Amazing Race, we were treated to a special two hour episode that was probably one of the best episodes so far this season. We were taken from a solemn pilgrimage to Auschwitz to a vomiting little person doing face plants in a suit of armor. But let's wait, it's too soon to get into that. Let's begin at the beginning. With the Guidos starting out 15 hours behind the first-place team, I had déjà vu from their season 1 finale, when they found themselves 24 hours behind the two other teams. But last night it was announced that the show's producers had reserved seats for all teams on one flight from Zanzibar to Warsaw, and it was the next morning. At first this seemed like a transparent manipulation to allow everyone to catch up, but considering how much trouble they all had trying to find an alternative flight, I had to admit it made sense.

Seven hours at a travel agent? What the hell was going on over there? The travel-agency industry has been devastated by Orbitz and Priceline and the like, and this was exactly the kind of publicity that won't help their attempts to rebound one bit. But then again, if you were a Zanzibari ticket agent and a loud, pushy American like Mirna came in and started barking orders at you in an oddly Kazakhstani accent and calling you "my sister," maybe infuriating her by dragging her request out for seven hours would be a fine and rewarding way to spend the day.

Eric and Danielle quickly gave up and took the default flight, which they ended up on with Team Guido. I was awestruck by one of Danielle's remarks upon hearing they were headed to Poland: Gesturing to her blond hair, she said, "I look like a little Polish girl." What a meta moment: She thought all Polish people were blond (which they're not, really) because she'd heard so many Polish jokes, but confused them with "blondes are dumb"' jokes. This after already proving how dumb she is by wondering if Warsaw was in Zanzibar. That was moronic on so many levels that I think it might actually be smart.

Her partnership with Eric is yet another Amazing Race bit in which you don't know who to root for. Ninety-three percent of what comes out of her mouth is imbecile, but Eric is such a jerk to her that you end up pitying her. Is he angry that by being the dumb one, she is stealing his act? How dare she force him into the role of the "smart partner"? Well, unfortunately for them, they missed their connection with the their other flight and were stuck nearly a whole day behind along with the Guidos.

Meanwhile, the others went ahead. Dustin's beauty-pageant talent — playing the piano — came in handy when she and Kandice ran away with the piano-tuning challenge. Also, apparently everyone in Poland hated Charla and Mirna. Each cab driver glared at them, and nobody in the street wanted to help them. I did think a lot of them were pretty rude and I don't think the Schmirnas deserved that.

As the second hour came around, the craziness really happened. Let's begin with the field trip to Auschwitz. The show has scheduled serious, heartbreaking stops before, like at Nelson Mandela's old cell, or at an infamous slave-ship port. I never like them; the producers bend over backwards to slow down the action and make sure to show everyone upset, shaken, and moved. But eventually that soul-searching has to end, and they all go back to running around the world for a million dollars.

The switch to the Auschwitz scene was jarring; one minute everyone was joking around, getting on the charter bus, and then suddenly, a sad violin started playing and everyone got introspective. They arrived at the camp and lit candles and reflected. Most of the contestants were really moved, except for Eric, who said the experience put his and Danielle's bickering in perspective. That goofball shouldn't flatter himself: An episode of Hannah Montana could put their bickering in perspective; Auschwitz should knock him out for a month.

Eventually, everyone got back into the game. Uchenna, Joyce, Danny, and Oswald teamed up for the simple stair-counting fast forward, forcing the beauty queens to wait hours for the trailing second charter bus and pair up with Charla and Mirna. Then off they dashed to the sausage challenge — because what better way to follow up a trip to Auschwitz then with a pork-gorging competition, right?

The teams first had to make their own sausage, which I think was Bertram van Munster's way of celebrating being out of the family hour of 8 to 9. If you closed your eyes, you would have thought you were watching butcher-shop porn. "I say eat the kielbasa!" crowed Bill. "That's so much bigger than I ever thought," oohed Mirna. "Just make it really long, like he did," said Joe. Was it me or were the Guidos very excited it was a sausage eating competition?

And then came the eating: two feet of sausage per person. Dustin finished first and celebrated by throwing it all up. And then came Charla. Keep in mind she was being asked to eat more than half her height in sausage, so it's no wonder it backed up on her. And then — with an oddly unfazed expression — she took a knife handle, stuck it down her throat, and made herself vomit to make room to finish. I gotta say, I was impressed. Disgusted, but impressed. When she did it, her whole rear section convulsed like a donkey kicking. The nauseated expressions on everyone else's faces were priceless. When she was taking her last bite, Charla said, "Please, God, take it down." I too found myself asking God to "please drop everything for a minute and help Charla fit one more bite, because I don't want to see what she'll do with a soup ladle to get the job done."

At this point, with the last four teams running largely neck and neck, there was no real suspense as to who would lose, since the Guidos had a 30-minute penalty coming. But after all the chaos and upchucking, seeing who won was beside the point. ''How can they top this?'' I thought to myself — and then Mirna went crazy on some cab drivers. ''You think I'm made of money, I'm a young girl, I don't have hundred dollars!'' she screamed at the cabbies she wanted to lead her. Mirna needs to realize that it's pretty hard to come off as needy, helpless, and frail when you're being trailed by a camera crew.

And then the big finish: the suit-of-armor roadblock. Charla may be only slightly less nuts than her cousin, but she is a damn good sport. You just know that when the producers laid out a suit of armor for her, they were praying, "Oh, please let Charla take this roadblock," because they knew it would look silly. And she knew it would look silly. But she did it. She was visibly ill, and she'd just endured her wack-job cousin screaming at her and blaming her for everything on the whole car trip, but she still put on the metal suit. Even with two magnificent face-plants, she still ended up in fourth place, and she never once looked embarrassed, just determined. And the Guidos, who finished right before Eric and Danielle, were finally eliminated because of their penalty.

I can't believe we are getting so close to the end with only 5 teams remaining. This season ha sjust been so awesome. Next week looks like it will be good too.

Too Hot To Handle

My whole view of the world has been shattered. Charla and Mirna have come in first two weeks in a row! I just can't believe it. The Schmirnas were out in front from the very beginning, starting this leg 40 minutes ahead of the second-place beauty queens. They were clearly feeling confident, having unveiled their matching "Too Hot to Handle" T-shirts. I just thought it was a bit funny. And then, just minutes later, the beauty queens made a snide remark about the shirts, which made me laugh some more.

Also, after watching this episode, I've learned that if I ever plan to visit Dar es Salaam, I'll know to get my tickets far in advance, at least if I'm traveling from Mozambique. It seemed like every flight was sold out; apparently Maputo to Dar es Salaam is the New York to Boston of Africa. Charla and Mirna risked a flight through Johannesburg that paid off. They were able to get on a connecting flight on standby, perhaps through their two-pronged approach of Mirna hectoring the ticket agent over the desk while Charla stuck her head through a slot under the airline computer. No matter where the agent looked, she got a face full of Schmirna.

Meanwhile, Ian took control of his team by demanding that they stay overnight at the airport to make sure they didn't miss the 5:30 airline-ticket-counter opening. He shot down Teri's suggestion of returning to the hotel, saying he wouldn't risk getting snarled in morning traffic. At 5 a.m.? His "stay the course" edict didn't pan out, however. Not only was the flight completely booked, but when the four remaining younger teams skipped upstairs to an airline office to try a different flight, he and the Guidos stayed put, because, as Ian put it, "Standing in line is the thing to do." Everyone else got tickets, leaving Ian and Teri and Team Guido in last place.

Even more mysterious than Eric and Danielle's ejection from the plane were the weather conditions that delayed Charla and Mirna's boat ride an entire day. The boatman told them there was a storm coming; we were then treated to a shot of a cloudy sky that could have been taken anywhere at any time, but we never actually saw a storm. In fact, when everyone else arrived that same night, the streets weren't even wet. Now, I'm not one to cry conspiracy, but wasn't it a little convenient that these weather issues allowed three more teams to bunch up with Charla and Mirna, thereby making the leg a little more competitive? Because if the producers had footage of a storm, you know they'd have used it as evidence. Far be it from me to accuse anyone of anything without having all the facts, but let's just say that if Uchenna and Joyce didn't owe Bertram van Munster a fruit basket when they won season 7, they owe him a doubly big one now.

If there had been a storm, I'd have hated to see Charla in rough seas. Because the next day, when she finally climbed on board in calm water, she was still ralphing over the side. She may be too hot to handle, but she's just hot enough to upchuck. Although maybe she wasn't vomiting, she was just belatedly laughing at the prostitute joke Oswald and Danny told them the night before that neither she nor Mirna got. Perhaps it would have gone over better had Oswald told it in pidgin English in a loud, fake accent; the cousins seem to think everything sounds better that way. This week they settled on Italian for a generic accent; I thought by the end of the episode that, no matter what they wanted from someone, they would have just yelled, "That's a spicy meatball!" and hoped the message got through.

Oswald and Danny were really on fire this episode, weren't they? With their prostitute jokes, their "We're gonna trade you for food"' joke to Mirna, and Danny's impromptu Project Runway reference, "Where's Andrae?", it was like they'd hired writers for this leg of the race. Coming in a close second for the best jokester of the episode was Uchenna, who, while riding a boat through an old slave-trade route, told the beauty queens, "Five hundred years ago they took the slaves on this very same path, ladies. Now it's your turn."

Neither the detour (a puzzle versus log-hauling choice) nor the roadblock (hurling a stick at a target) was particularly memorable. Charla and Mirna were so far ahead they were destined to win, even if they didn't recognize the word catamaran when told it was their prize. Perhaps Phil should have clarified by saying, "Eet's-a big-a boat!" Or better yet, "That's a spicy sailboat!"

The real focal point of the last quarter of the show was who was going to lose: Teri and Ian or Team Guido. It was another example of finding it impossible to root for someone. It all came down to this: Do you prefer your humorless cranks gay or straight? Ultimately, thanks to their puzzle-solving abilities, the Guidos pulled ahead, and Teri and Ian were sent to wait in lines closer to home.

Next week, Charla dresses as a cute little knight!

New Rivalries

Was anyone else shocked that Charla and Mirna came in first? I had thought they would have been last this week. Clearly, I was wrong. Actually, no one was eliminated at all since this was the first of four non-elimination legs of the race.

With Romber gone, the show needs a new rivalry, but the best it can scare up is Team Guido versus Eric and Danielle, and, honestly, that's just not as riveting. Team Guido began this episode announcing that they were trying to be a "kinder, gentler Guido," and they certainly showed their frivolous side by sharing underwear secrets with Teri and Ian. Later, a whimsical Bill doused himself in some kind of fragrance spray at the airport, saying he now smelled like a French whore. "Doesn't matter to me!" said Joe, which I suppose was sweet and devoted, but there was also a lascivious overtone that didn't merge well with their earlier confession that they wear thongs. Those two have ruined French whores for me forever. I'm sorry but these two are incredibly annoying and I spent pretty much the whole episode wishing they would end up last.

Eventually things got tense. On their way to the roadblock, Eric urged his driver to try to pass Team Guido's car, which threw Joe and Bill into a tizzy. "You need to watch your speed, guy," Joe said threateningly to Eric, and followed it up with "You need to watch your jokes, guy." Uhhhh...hello, this is a race drama queen!

Everyone was neck and neck at the rat roadblock. Was anyone else struck by Ian's comment that he's been very, very scared of rats ever since he was in the military? There's a comment that begged for elaboration. What could have happened? When the challenge was over, however, he said that now he kind of liked rats. I hope he elaborates on that when he subsequently brings it up to people, because the sentence, "Ever since I went on a game show, I've really loved rats" raises just as many questions.

Then it was off to the detour, in which teams either had to fill 45-pound bags with coal or try to get money in a market by painting people's nails. I wonder if the eliminated Dave was really pissed when he saw the coal challenge; that could have been his time to shine. The manicure choice ended up being the far smarter pick, but I probably would have gone with the coal, too. There have been too many similar salesman challenges on the Race that have taken forever. But everyone sailed through, even Teri and Ian, who was pretty negative about his chances starting out. I could see why: Even in a culture where male nail painters are more common, Ian's wouldn't be the first face you'd trust for a beauty treatment. Well, except for waxing backs — he kind of looks like he'd be good at that. But don't mention that to him: He had a bad experience with back hair in the military.

This challenge proved so easy that Charla and Mirna ended up in first place and celebrated with some hectoring about what underdogs they are. I've noticed that whenever Mirna talks about how they're disrespected, she's always careful to blame it on Charla's height: At the beginning of the episode she said, "Somehow Charla and I muster our strength, no matter how tired we are, or that she's out of breath." And then at the end of last night's show, she contributed a morality tale about how their first-place finish should teach people not to underestimate others "just because someone's a little shorter or a little skinnier." So Charla's downside is her height, and her own is that she's too skinny? That doesn't sound like a negative at all. That's like people at a job interview who say their weakness is that they care too much. What other handicap does Mirna have? Porcelain skin, soft, bouncy hair, and an accent that drives all the cab drivers wild? Oh, and as for Charla's line about the cold Argentinean temperatures — "We're a popsicle; someone will need to suck us," — no comment.

After the nail painters all came in (the beauty queens and Teri and Ian followed the Schmirnas), Danny and Oswald were the first coal haulers at the pit stop. Those two are really carrying this show when it comes to witty banter. "You look like a faggy raccoon," Oswald said to the coal-smeared Danny as they drove to the pit stop. And when they arrived, they chased a frightened Phil around the mat, threatening to hug him with their dirty arms. It was nice to see Phil get some exercise other than the occasional purposeful stride he enlists when describing a detour.

Uchenna and Joyce offered no hugs when they arrived in last place. At the beginning of the show, Uchenna said he had to follow his intuition, because to not do so would be like saying, "God, universe, I'm not trusting you." I'm not sure what instinct Uchenna and Joyce trusted to end up in last place, but God and the universe decided to give them another shot with a non-elimination round. They're now "marked for elimination,"' which means if they don't end up in first place next week, they'll get a 30-minute penalty. I hope the producers haven't scheduled a fast forward, as they often did last year, making it too easy for the marked team to survive. Then again, if they do get to the mat early, it would give them plenty of time to jump in a mud puddle and then chase Phil around.

Shocking Showdown

When the last episode of The Amazing Race finished with a teaser proclaiming that this week's ending would be unbelievable, I knew at that moment that my favorites, Rob and Amber, would be eliminated. I really was upset about it because they make the race so much fun and it would be sad to see them leave so soon. I'm sure there are probably a bunch of Romber haters out there who cheered their demise. Is this really the way they had to go, beaten by the increasingly annoying Charla and Mirna?

Everything started going to crap with Romber at the Magellan detour. Frankly, I probably would have picked the signs over the compass, too; with navigation, you're liable to get lost. Then again, the city seemed to be a grid. When you're told to just head in one direction, and you've got a map, you don't need a compass. Your head could be 93 percent magnet and you'd still find your way. And Rob was stuck with a big disadvantage: His brilliant strategic mind doesn't come with spell check.

But still, it seemed like there was no way Romber could lose, especially with Mirna and Schmirna 90 minutes behind. Mirna seemed to be self-destructing, having begun the leg with a soliloquy about how she was carrying her cousin and does "as much as any one player has ever had to do on the race, to compensate for any shortcomings Charla has." First of all, shortcomings? Honestly, Mirna, that's the word you wanted to use? Then when it came time to pick up their sign supplies, Mirna kept wailing about Charla taking a box, and next thing you knew Charla was balancing a 70-pound post as Mirna ran in circles above her on the stairs. I will give Mirna that: She certainly does as much crazy talk as anyone on the race ever has.

I still held a small glimmer of hope that nothing bad would happen, because all of this tension around the detour was moot, as we knew that no matter who pulled ahead, they would all end up on the same charter plane anyway. After the short flight, things continued to go poorly for Romber. Charla and Mirna were like a stubborn piece of toilet paper stuck to their shoe. Whenever they thought they'd pried it away, they'd look behind them, and there it was, trailing them all over again. Romber's biggest mistake might have been playing slightly dirty with them, by nabbing their cab at the airport and then lying to them about having found the clue. Moral indignation is to the Schmirnas as spinach is to Popeye. When they see the slightest evidence that someone is not as pure of heart as them, they get superstrength.

Then again, lying to Mirna is futile. "As an attorney, I can tell when someone's lying," said the human polygraph. Which was odd, as when Rob called Charla on telling her cousin where to look in the mail-sorting roadblock, Mirna snapped at him, "Shut the hell up, I told her to pray to our deceased grandmother to help us — you wouldn't know what that means!" I'm not sure what that means, either. Was her late grandmother's last name "Lookoverthere"'? I guess it doesn't count as a lie if it's just crazy talk, in the same way that a murderer can be found not guilty by reason of insanity.

But the spirit of their dead grandmother did pull them through, and Mirna and Schmirna passed a frustrated Rob, tearing open their angry letter from Lance and Marshall and reminding us all just how many enemies they made in their original season, too. Perhaps the mean note gave them the extra jolt of smugness that carried them to the pit stop. The producers tried to make it seem like Romber were right on their tails — especially as Mirna dragged Charla over tree stumps to get her to the final mat — but it was clear from the way that Rob and Amber were just walking that they knew they were too far back to beat them. If someone as competitive as Rob thought he had a chance to catch up, he would have run.

So when they arrived at the mat and calmly accepted their defeat with a pronouncement of love, I realized that for them, this was just all a show for them. They had nothing invested in this. It was all for show. They would have been happy to win, yes, but the money mattered less than continuing their TV career as "Rob and Amber, cutthroat reality lovebirds." Even still, I will really miss them.

So now, my new favorites are The Beauty Queens, Eric and Danielle, and Danny and Oswald.

Floundering and Rafting

I have been meaning to start reporting on The Amazing Race since it started two weeks ago. However, since I had been away the past two Mondays, I haven't been able to until today. So here goes.

This is quickly becoming the best season of The Amazing Race since number 7, Uchenna and Joyce's victory year. How do I count the ways? Well, I count them more accurately than my favorites the beauty queens count clues. I am astonished that anyone who has run the race before wouldn't be aware of one cardinal rule: If something seems wrong, it is. If you encounter a kick line of raft guides willing to take you in a boat when you're supposed to be getting a clue, do you (a) turn around and look for the clue, or (b) hop in the boat and assume that you'll find the clue Scotch-taped to a whitecap?

When the beauty queens got to the pit stop, the fourth team to arrive, Phil sent them back to find their overlooked clue. But it's a tribute to the chaos of this season that even with that lost time, they still ended up in fourth place, as all the teams behind them continued to drive around in panicky circles, getting angrier and angrier at each other at every turn.

The first bit of tension came when Team Guido stopped for directions and Eric and Danielle eavesdropped and then sped off with the info before Bill could get back into the car. At the next clue box, he stood in front of Eric's car, not letting him pass. It was the world's gayest game of chicken, and I mean that literally. Speaking of which, the episode began with Team Guido pronouncing that no one should underestimate them just because they’re gay. But the producers would have no confounding of stereotypes on their watch: They were careful to highlight the duo cooing about wine; they showed Joe crying. They are however, starting to get on my nerves rather quickly.

Danny and Oswaldm on the other hand are the gay superstars of the race. Calm, cool, and capable, they breeze through nearly every challenge. All that and an odd mix of aggression and politeness: Oswald said about his game plan, "Sweetheart, if you get in my way, I'm going to run you over. But not in a malicious way."' I'd like to have seen Bill get in front of his car. They are also one of my favorites.

I have always loved Charla and Mirna. However, this season they are quickly annoying me and they seem a little too abrasive. Flying through the race on a magic carpet of moral superiority, they have irritated just about every other team. I do have to give them credit for being so good at sneakiness. At the airport, while everyone waited in line, Charla magically appeared behind the desk at the ticket agent's elbow, doing some sort of pincer maneuver with Mirna, who stood on the other side. She's a sneaky one, isn't she? Charla does know how to avoid getting busted: Just head her accuser off at the pass with a best-defense-is-a-good-offense zinger. When it looked like the beauty queens were about to call her on her ticket-agent sneak attack, she explained herself in a hurt, pedantic tone, "I can't see over the counter because I'm not as privileged as you are." Ouch!

Another hilarious moment regarding Charla was at the pit stop. There was a little person greeting the teams. When Oswald saw him, he said, "Charla's gonna be in love." Anyway, Charla and Mirna even convinced some dude into leading them to Petrohué. He tried to tell them he had to go to work, but Mirna wouldn't let him go, paying him $50 to lead them. And then they never let him go! Just when I'd forgotten about him, Charla and Mirna got out of the raft and there he was, wishing someone would take him home. "I'm sorry I am wearing a bathing suit," Mirna apologized to him in her catchall accented English. "It is very weird." And as the guy forlornly got in the back seat with a wet Charla on his lap, it seemed that, for him, things had gone quite a bit past "weird."

The roadblock this week was one of the best challenges in recent memory. When the producers try for something that sounds scary, it's always boring, because they can't actually put the competitors at risk. But this was so simple: Transport a bunch of flatfish that looked like angry, slimy kites. It was perfect — icky and exhausting. Danielle and Mirna overreacted exactly as you'd predict, and it was no less delightful for it. Eric kept yelling at Danielle to hold the fish down with her boobs, which I thought was very insensitive. Did he even think what would happen if the roles were reversed and he had to use his boobs? A thrashing flounder might accidentally get snared on his creepy nipple rings, and he would be forced to finish the race with a giant fish carcass attached to his chest.

If he had, David wouldn't have gotten anywhere near him. Apparently you don't get a lot of aquariums in coal country, because David looked more scared of fish than he does of his wife. He rallied, but not enough to overcome his and Mary's fear of making a correct turn, and the alleged fan favorites were eliminated. Phil tried to stretch out a tender moment by asking Mary if she still loves David, and she said yes, while David remained quiet, as usual. I was just glad they're gone. They really annoy me a lot.

Next week looks just as promising. Romeber face off against Charla and Mirna and there is a surprisng ending. Will Romber be eliminated" (I hope not!)