I just realized that my last Desperate Housewives summary was way back on March 5th! I can't believe it's been that long. I was really happy to have the girls finally back last night. We kicked off with a great shot of Susan slapping Ian in his sleep as Mary Alice talked about indestructible love. This is where we saw the great difference between Mike, who once sweet-talked Susan even though she'd just fed him raw pancakes, and Ian, who rubbed his face like a baby when she accidentally blasted a wine cork at his eye. He has to put up with her klutziness and she has to deal with his terribly cliché British parents, Graham and Dahlia. In short order, Graham awesomely described the outdoor barbecue as "gloriously primal," and Susan hilariously set Dahlia's shirt on fire and outed herself as a divorcee, making Ian's superrich parents nervous about their son's lack of a prenup. Season 1 gave us murders, adultery, and crazy stolen children. Now all we get is a financial dispute?
Meanwhile, it's official: Ex-husband-stealing, I-redefine-the-word-"tramp" Edie is back. "You should never buy lingerie when you're horny," she said. "It's like buying groceries when you're hungry." Apparently she's itching for one Carlos Solis, which is so going to rankle her neighbor Gabrielle — especially since Gaby has to put up with all kinds of awkward sexual innuendo from the guy who wanted to tinkle on Carrie Bradshaw. Here's why I don't believe this romance: There's no chemistry between Eva Longoria and John Slattery, and Gaby would never, ever turn down a loaded, politically powerful guy willing to give his girl a shopping allowance.
Over at Casa de Britt, Edie used her spawn (who's clearly going to need Mike's therapist one day) to bait Carlos into making a booty call; she then called her son "champ," handed him a cookie, and told him he'd be having an early night tomorrow. Classic. I'm really glad that this episode allowed Edie to finally shine and stand on her own. Meanwhile, down the street, Ian's dad tried on his future daughter-in-law's robe and sexy lingerie — in other words, the things she wears while seducing his own son. Ew.
Just when I started to worry that this episode was fading fast, the First Couple of Pizza stepped up to the plate with Uniformgate. Tonight, the Scavos — who, taking into account their incessant bickering and low-key sex life, practically define "indestructible love" — went to the mattresses over the pizzeria's morale-killing, Cheez Doodle-orange uniforms. Lynette's employee roundtable was priceless ("Right now, we're talking about these ugly-ass uniforms!"), but why are we spending all this time dealing with such trivial drama? Remember the days when something life-defining (illegitimate kids, job loss) actually happened to the Scavos? And I'm not counting Tom's thrown-out back or Lynette's nervousness about assuming full responsibility at the restaurant. This woman used to be a top advertising exec, right? Shouldn't she be able to take the heat?
At last, we got a few poignant moments. Mike, who has been lounging around all traumatized on his therapist's sofa, remembered a funny scene about a woman feeding a man pancakes. He thought it was from some chick flick starring Sandra or Julia, but when he later went to check with Susan, he learned that it wasn't a movie at all — it was her botched attempt at cooking him breakfast on their first morning after. With any other couple, a woman's attempt to spell her lover's name in runny pancake batter would be cringe inducing, but every week, these two manage to overcome the snobby British fiancé and that whole amnesia deal to remain a truly affecting pair. I've generally never been particularly engrossed in Susan's love life, but with each episode I'm getting more excited about her and Mike's reconciliation (likely to come during sweeps). After her flapjack reveal, Mike quit therapy, too lovesick to want to remember anything else about his time with Susan.
After Carlos gave Edie an angry reality check ("You nailed me," she cracked, but "maybe not the way I wanted you to"), she finally got a chance to give him a show, stripping while she went on and on about her tough public persona and how she wants someone to see the "real" her. Wait, I thought she just wanted to get laid. I can't tell if this speech was genuine, but after all the drama with jail and the housekeeper-cum-surrogate, Carlos is due for some good lovin'.
One thing bugging me: What happened to the mysteries on this show?
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