Guy Power

So, Apolo Anton Ohno won! Since this was basically a two-hour clip show, I'll keep the final summary of the season as short and sweet as a Dancing With the Stars skirt. For season 4's grand finale, the final three couples performed a "last dance, last chance" of their choice (and for love). "Last chance'' may have been pushing it, because we all knew the judges would leap at their last chance to award everyone a perfect 30. I expected nothing less and would like to take this opportunity to award Carrie Ann, Bruno, and Len a perfect 30 too. Chemistry, elegance, sophistication, entertaining, personality, showmanship, fantastic, fresh spin on things, incredible edible rawness, captivating, beautiful butterfly, lacked romance. Whew! I am so in the running to become judge number 4 next season. I already do a pretty fly Bruno impression.

I could have done without the loooooong rehash of the past few seasons, but I did dig that little history segment on our beloved show's British roots and 29 foreign spin-offs. It's hilarious how similar all the sets appeared in those clips — Chile's, especially, reminded me of the U.S. version, which I keep seeing in my head when I close my eyes at night. You think in that hour and 55 minutes of filler, maybe there could have been more than one pro dance? That didn't completely butcher a cute song at Björk's expense? Maybe next time.

Laila took her seat as the third-place finisher about halfway through. Disappointing for me, but not exactly surprising. I loved when she informed Samantha that women can be strong and sexy after Sam asked if it was difficult balancing toughness with elegance. Gah! And I thought Laila and Maks' mambo was the best rehashed performance of the night — Joey's came close, but only because his daughter was über-adorable in a Princess Leia costume just like Kym's, and I suppose that part shouldn't really count. After losing her chance at the disco-ball trophy, Laila claimed she was "pissed," which was funny not only because it was accurate, but also because at that point she'd finally stopped trying to sound diplomatic and mature. She also informed everyone that the competition "doesn't mean anything, especially because I didn't win." Ha! She's great.

Then, finally, the early-eliminated stars fell from the sky and into the fake ballroom. Paulina looked lovely and more serene than most if not all of the population. How does she do that? Shandi's dancing had improved by miles — major props to her and Jonathan for practicing all that footwork. Leeza...oh, Leeza. And Clyde. Hey, at least he showed up. (But he didn't bother participating in the standing Os. Did he think he was tall enough seated?)

The Jimmy Kimmel serial nightmare ended on a high note, even though there was something rotten in the state of Clay Aiken's hair. Len saying, "I'm British, you know," was priceless. J-Rat and Laila's "testimonials" were especially choice — John acted outraged that he didn't know about Jimmy's helpful DVD, and Laila perfectly delivered a canned cue-card endorsement. Laila can be quite the ham. I hope she does sports commentary when she's past her boxing prime, which may be, like, next year, after specialists conclude that Dancing With the Stars ruined her world-champion knees forever. Wait a minute. She should join The View! Screw boxing!

Heat 2 of the fallen stars. Aggghh — Heather's green-fringed pantaloons! Get them out of here! I don't think J-Rat and Edyta could do anything in the world (barring criminal behavior or a Springer-esque spray tan) that wouldn't make me smile. Seriously — the running man, a sing-along, a slumber party at which everyone swaps leg warmers, anything. I'd be all for it. Oh, surprise surprise, Billy Ray wanted his mullet back (again), though it was already on his head. Plot twist! And then there was Ian. I'll say it: Ian was awesome. If only he'd been that relaxed when it counted.

In the end, after a painfully long "duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh..." suspense period with Apolo-Julianne and Joey-Kym splitting the screen, birthday boy Apolo got to hoist the sparkly crown jewel of the competition and wave it semi-awkwardly toward different sections of the audience. It's smaller than I remembered.

All in all, this was a decent season but not as great as last season. Let's all shed a collective tear that the show's over. Done. Bring on next season!