Guy Power

So, Apolo Anton Ohno won! Since this was basically a two-hour clip show, I'll keep the final summary of the season as short and sweet as a Dancing With the Stars skirt. For season 4's grand finale, the final three couples performed a "last dance, last chance" of their choice (and for love). "Last chance'' may have been pushing it, because we all knew the judges would leap at their last chance to award everyone a perfect 30. I expected nothing less and would like to take this opportunity to award Carrie Ann, Bruno, and Len a perfect 30 too. Chemistry, elegance, sophistication, entertaining, personality, showmanship, fantastic, fresh spin on things, incredible edible rawness, captivating, beautiful butterfly, lacked romance. Whew! I am so in the running to become judge number 4 next season. I already do a pretty fly Bruno impression.

I could have done without the loooooong rehash of the past few seasons, but I did dig that little history segment on our beloved show's British roots and 29 foreign spin-offs. It's hilarious how similar all the sets appeared in those clips — Chile's, especially, reminded me of the U.S. version, which I keep seeing in my head when I close my eyes at night. You think in that hour and 55 minutes of filler, maybe there could have been more than one pro dance? That didn't completely butcher a cute song at Björk's expense? Maybe next time.

Laila took her seat as the third-place finisher about halfway through. Disappointing for me, but not exactly surprising. I loved when she informed Samantha that women can be strong and sexy after Sam asked if it was difficult balancing toughness with elegance. Gah! And I thought Laila and Maks' mambo was the best rehashed performance of the night — Joey's came close, but only because his daughter was über-adorable in a Princess Leia costume just like Kym's, and I suppose that part shouldn't really count. After losing her chance at the disco-ball trophy, Laila claimed she was "pissed," which was funny not only because it was accurate, but also because at that point she'd finally stopped trying to sound diplomatic and mature. She also informed everyone that the competition "doesn't mean anything, especially because I didn't win." Ha! She's great.

Then, finally, the early-eliminated stars fell from the sky and into the fake ballroom. Paulina looked lovely and more serene than most if not all of the population. How does she do that? Shandi's dancing had improved by miles — major props to her and Jonathan for practicing all that footwork. Leeza...oh, Leeza. And Clyde. Hey, at least he showed up. (But he didn't bother participating in the standing Os. Did he think he was tall enough seated?)

The Jimmy Kimmel serial nightmare ended on a high note, even though there was something rotten in the state of Clay Aiken's hair. Len saying, "I'm British, you know," was priceless. J-Rat and Laila's "testimonials" were especially choice — John acted outraged that he didn't know about Jimmy's helpful DVD, and Laila perfectly delivered a canned cue-card endorsement. Laila can be quite the ham. I hope she does sports commentary when she's past her boxing prime, which may be, like, next year, after specialists conclude that Dancing With the Stars ruined her world-champion knees forever. Wait a minute. She should join The View! Screw boxing!

Heat 2 of the fallen stars. Aggghh — Heather's green-fringed pantaloons! Get them out of here! I don't think J-Rat and Edyta could do anything in the world (barring criminal behavior or a Springer-esque spray tan) that wouldn't make me smile. Seriously — the running man, a sing-along, a slumber party at which everyone swaps leg warmers, anything. I'd be all for it. Oh, surprise surprise, Billy Ray wanted his mullet back (again), though it was already on his head. Plot twist! And then there was Ian. I'll say it: Ian was awesome. If only he'd been that relaxed when it counted.

In the end, after a painfully long "duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh..." suspense period with Apolo-Julianne and Joey-Kym splitting the screen, birthday boy Apolo got to hoist the sparkly crown jewel of the competition and wave it semi-awkwardly toward different sections of the audience. It's smaller than I remembered.

All in all, this was a decent season but not as great as last season. Let's all shed a collective tear that the show's over. Done. Bring on next season!

Free for All

Before I discuss dances, I just want to point out that, against all odds, Samantha Harris somewhat redeemed herself last night. Did anyone else catch that giggle she squeaked out after letting us know that these were the "most important dances of the stars' lives"? So endearing! It seemed that she was finally in on the joke. I wonder if Tom grandfathered her in, or if she figured out all on her own just how laughable the whole shebang is. Sam, I salute you!

Then again, the two dances Apolo, Joey, and Laila performed tonight — a judges' choice and a freestyle — might actually have been the most important dances of their lives. Does anyone really think Laila and Apolo are ever going to flit around a stage again, unless it's this same stage a year from now? Oh-no. And Joey's had a lot of important group-oriented stomps, but the stomping he's done here will undoubtedly go down as his greatest solo dancing achievement. So maybe that means Sam was right.

Apolo Anton Ohno and Julianne (58 out of 60) pulled it off. I'm not sure they were any better last night than they've been all season, but the pair's trick-filled rumba — not to mention a great hip-hop routine secured their status as the couple that should, and likely will, win. After their "Midnight Train to Georgia" rumba, Carrie Ann complained that they "overperformed it just a hair." Len thought it was too quick and lacked romance. Bruno just rattled off some scripted line about a gigolo and a baby doll teasing each other, ewww — offered perhaps the season's greatest Quintessential Bruno Moment: "They made love on the dance floor! They could have conceived a baby!" Which inspired Tom to chime in: "I don't even smoke, and I want a cigarette." Love it!

The judges chose the cha-cha for Joey Fatone and Kym (56 out of 60), to which the pair responded by performing their first of two freestyle dances. It may have been grounded in cha-cha — or at least lightly basted in its scattered spices — but the whole thing looked like the hip-hop routine they really wanted to dance during the freestyle round. I did enjoy it, though. Kym's a very fun choreographer — tame, people pleasing, classic, etc. The judges thought the cha-cha was too theatrical, and Bruno found it "strangely odd." That criticism, coming from Bruno, means the dance must have been really out there. Joey and Kym made up for it in their freestyle, though. I was glad that, aside from the "no strings attached" moves at the beginning and end, Joey didn't feel the need to fall back on his boy-band moves. Their "Last Dance" incorporated actual ballroom moves in between amazing, flawless-seeming lifts. Apolo's freestyle may have been more original, but Joey's was a freestyle you want to see toward the end of DWTS.

As for Laila Ali and Maks (55 out of 60), I'm still loyal to my favorite tall girl. All that rehearsal footage of her hesitating to jump onto Maks because she wasn't "like the other girls" brought a tear to my eye. Not a real one, though. I wish she'd have committed more to the Maks pounce, too. Anyone dying to bare his arms and chest at regular intervals should have had the chance to twirl Laila Ali above his head. But Maks could not. Sadly, that freestyle they did was kind of bad — I wasn't quite sure what they were going for the entire time, and who the hell came up with Laila's costume? I did like Laila's adorably funky solo part at the end, but it wasn't enough. The pair's paso doble, however, delighted everyone in the house. Laila looked amazing and never broke character during the intense — or, as Bruno called it, "dripping with emotion" — dance. It was a load of bull, in the very best way.

I don't know what the deal is with the special scoring process you have to visit ABC.com to learn about. There's probably some fine print about how whoops, your votes haven't counted the whole season and Samantha gets to pick the bottom two based on who is the shiniest to her at that moment. Seriously, though, I've actually found this season to be relatively non-overbearing in terms of the judges swaying things. They've pretty much discounted themselves as factors and have let us figure out for ourselves that Joey Fatone really can't dance that well after all. Psych!

Show Summaries

Here are recaps of the shows I would have covered over the past week that I did not get a chance to do:

Ugly Betty: Our heroine tracks down her grandmother in Mexico and learns valuable lessons about fighting for love. Plus, Marc stands up for Amanda. I Really love how the Ignacious/immigration storyline played out now. It was boring but now I'm into it. The episode rocked as usual. Best lines:

1. Marc, to Amanda, after she broke their date: "Don't tell me you forgot we were gonna rent 300 and enjoy the mildly homophobic-slash-homoerotic content!"

2. Justin, complaining about the bad timing of the trip to Mexico: "Doesn't anyone care that I am understudying the lead in West Side Story? God forbid Joey Colano takes ill and I don't know my finger snaps for the rumble."

3. Willy, worrying about getting wrinkles from smiling: "You really can't see those lines can you?" Marc: "Nope. You're as dead on the outside as you are on the inside."

Grey's Anatomy: Meredith refuses to answer anything on the big intern exam. Plus, the Chief's wife is pregnant, and George gets a job offer. Good, but not great. I fear my favorite show is slipping??? I think today's season finale will reverse that.

Desperate Housewives: Susan and Gaby battle over the same day for their weddings. Plus, Edie manipulates Carlos, and Lynette gets some bad news. The show is starting to improve and I have even higher hopes for the season finale. I thought Mike's proposal was cute but predictable. I'm excited for Marcia Cross' return on Sunday. Who thinks Bree is pregnant?

Entourage: They are back to form! After the Amanda debacle, things are looking up. Johnny gets a hit show after getting depressed by the bad reviews. Plus Vince and E give Ari one more chance, and Turtle meets a girl! The ep rocked and I'm anxious to see how the Medellin movie will turn out after the risk Vince and E took in buying the script.

Dancing With the Stars: Awesome episode! Everyone really danced great. My favorite Laila did awesome and was so sexy. I also enjoyed Apolo's dance and thought it was very sexy. I felt bad that Ian had to go after scoring his first perfect score, but after the couples left, he and Cheryl were the weakest. Go Laila!

Heroes: The next to last episode ruled! Deep breathe, here we go. Hiro learned samurai skills from his father (although strange he did so fast) just as the good guys join forces against Linderman and Sylar. Nathan told DL and Jessica where to find Linderman. Once there, Linderman shot DL but DL managed to kill him by sticking his hand into his head, ew. Niki finally made a comeback. Proving my theory wrong, Micah's role was to fix the election so Nathan could win by a landslide. Also, HRG showed his badass side, killing Thompson. Will he kill little Molly too or use her to find Sylar. Speaking of Sylar, he got hotter...uh more powerful...by munching on Ted's brains and stealing his power. Claire and Peter are right on his tail. Next week, it looks like it will be one hell of a showdown of hotties with Peter vs Sylar. I can't wait.

American Idol: So I tuned in on Tuesday night expecting Jordin to rule the house. However, she was saddled by two crappy songs chosen by Simon and the producers. She picked things up with a replay of "I Who Have Nothing." Blake also struggled with the choices made for him. However, Melinda nailed it with 3 perfect songs, of course. It was obvious she was safe, or was she...we'll talk about that in a bit.

Veronica Mars: It's obvious I'm no longer digging this once glorious show. The network has completely killed it! First they changed the format and took away the mysteries, leaving only a mysetry an episode. Things are looking like the show will be cancelled and to be honest, I'd rather have it cancelled than continue in this sad state. So very, very sad. This show ruled.

Bye Billy Ray!

Dancing with the Stars cut the crap tonight. That's the way judge Bruno Tonioli might have put it, anyway, a night after calling Billy Ray Cyrus' dancing "crap" and invoking a few fighting words from the "Achy Breaky Heart" singer. "It's so rude," a frustrated Cyrus told cohost Samantha Harris Monday after his second performance of the night, a mambo. "We tried really hard and worked really hard…He called me a southern gentleman. He needs to take a lesson on southern gentlemen."

But despite Cyrus' manly manners and raw appeal, which had kept him in the competition this long, it was the Hannah Montana star's turn to go Tuesday, clearing the way for Ian Ziering, Joey Fatone, Laila Ali and Apolo Anton Ohno to compete in next week's semifinals.

"This is a celebration tonight," Cyrus said even before he knew that he was getting the boot. "I got to meet my hero, Muhammad Ali, last night. I conquered my fear. I'm happy to be here and I'm ready to go on Jimmy Kimmel."

While Cyrus' ouster wasn't a shock, though, he was joined in the bottom two by Joey Fatone, proving that the audience isn't necessarily in sync with the judges, who just adore the bouncy former boy-bander and gave him a 55 out of 60 last night. Inaba, for one, told Fatone that it felt like he had the competition "in the bag" after his lively mambo, which had the "Joey special" that was missing from his waltz earlier in the evening. (Which Len Goodman, a stickler for "proper" dancing, really liked, of course.)

Staying out of the hot seat, meanwhile, was safer bet Ian Ziering, who scored an underwhelming 48 on his foxtrot and rumba. But Ziering's fans were behind him, perhaps rewarding him brownie points for surprising partner Cheryl Burke with a birthday cake topped with a hopeful-looking candle in the shape of a "10."

Golden as always were Laila Ali, whose beloved father was, as Cyrus said, on hand to watch his daughter dance a "spunky" jive and a "poignant" waltz, totaling a 53 for the night, and Apolo Anton Ohno, who rocked the house with both his tango and perfect Paso Doble.

If the voters don't go in for the kill first, that is. The season finale of Dancing with the Stars is in two weeks already, and, considering what happened to Fatone, it's anyone's competition at this point. Even if Fatone goes "Bye Bye Bye" next week, however, he'll be hitting the road regardless with the second edition of Dancing with the Stars—The Tour, which kicks off June 20 in Austin. He and partner Kym Johnson will join season two champs Drew Lachey and Cheryl Burke, season three duo Joey Lawrence and Edyta Slewinska, and season one pioneer Joey McIntyre, who will partner with Julianne Hough.

The results show also featured Nellie Furtado singing her hit, "I'm Like a Bird," and her new single, "All Good Things."

Souther Discomfort

I'm really not sure who was more full of rage by the end of last night's performance show: the suddenly scorned Billy Ray Cyrus or a viewing public that had just willingly watched a tango set to "Jessie's Girl," a rumba involving Steve Sanders set to "Imagine," and a paso doble set to a tripped-out version of "Oh My Darling Clementine." Now, there were millions of viewers, and Billy Ray is just one behemoth. But you have to consider what a superstar he is. National treasure, that guy. Very important to ABC. A true Southern gentleman compared to us mere peons. Let's just call it even.

Yes, Mr. Montana (or Mr. West Virginia, depending on whom he's pandering to at the moment) got the straight talk from the judges. Until now, they have looked like idiots for delivering Billy Ray vague, non-dance-related compliments like "I think you're great" and ''There's always an expectation when you're coming out'' (both Len; both ludicrous) and then cunningly spinning them into straight 7s because they thought they needed to do so for ratings. No more — last night, Bruno projected loud and clear: "You are always deliciously awful. It was the foxtrot on the Temple of Doom....It was terrible. It was crap." Naturally, Billy Ray freaked out, performed the very Southern-gentlemanly act of ripping the mike out of Samantha Harris' hand, and later walked off the set. Whatever. His dances were bad (38 out of 60), and that pitiful extended shadowboxing routine for the "benefit" of Muhammad Ali was just embarrassing. He needs to go home.

Enough about Billy Ray. This week's winner — by three whole points, which is a lot in DWTS terms — was Apolo Anton Ohno (58 out of 60). He claimed to be "shooting for a mind-blowing performance" and sported the giant pit stains during rehearsals to prove it. Again, I was enthralled, and this time for real. As usual, Julianne was overly ambitious with the choreo, but considering they had to tango to Rick Springfield, I'd say she pulled it off. I actually agreed with Len — I usually prefer the tango to be slower and more dramatic — but sharp, snappy, and quick has become this pair's "thing" by now, so I welcomed the different interpretation. Their paso impressed, too. Good idea to get the theatrics out of the way early, before the music began. Maks and Kym, take note.

Joey Fatone came in second (55 out of 60) with his waltz and mambo. The waltz seemed right out of a Disney cartoon, what with Kym's Little Bo Peep dress and the pair's repeated bows and curtsies. Joey's understated waltz was sweet, and Len liked it, but Carrie Ann and Bruno get nothing out of seeing a technically sound dance. They needed constant mugging, stat! Alas, Joey and Kym brought canned ham back for their mambo. They got a perfect 30 for a lot of shaking and gold fringe. I really enjoyed it. However, Carrie Ann jumped the gun by telling Joey, "This competition almost seems like it's in the bag for you." Let the backlash ensue....

Right now, Apolo and Laila Ali (53 out of 60) are my top two. The judges praised Laila's dancing but chided Maks for relying too much on theatrical filler with a partner who should be showcased more. I'm sure I'm not the only one who teared up when Laila blew a kiss to her father during her waltz — but beyond that, I agreed with Carrie Ann: Laila's definitely learned how to add an emotional element to her dance without seeming fake or too showy. Maks got in touch with his softer side, too. After their well-executed jive, he became almost weepy about their partnership and Laila's big family night. Apolo and Julianne are sprightly and pert, but I'd call Laila and Maks the real match of the season. They're both tough, they can be big softies, and they like to poke good-natured fun at Joey behind his back when he says things like, "I'm not cocky." Not to mention, they're decent-size!

I almost forgot Ian Ziering (43 out of 60). That happens a lot. The poor guy. He's never snapped — he takes the judges' harsh criticism with a forced smile, even though the gist of their comments is usually "We wish you were a better actor." Isn't that basically the problem? Ian can definitely memorize steps and execute them on a stage. He's very capable. He's just not a very good performer. It's been uncomfortable and slightly sad to watch him struggle, especially because he seems to take this so seriously. Couldn't the judges at least have thrown him a bone for that foxtrot? I thought it was his best dance yet. He was all smiles, boppin' along, and he didn't look terrified once, and then Len called him out for being too hoppy when he should have been smooth. Billy Ray would have gotten one of Apolo's gold medals for Ian's performance. Later, not even Cheryl's Princess Jasmine diamond-cutout frock (turquoise to boot) could save her and Ian's ill-fated "Imagine"-ative rumba.

It's either Ian's or Billy Ray's to lose tonight. The latter seems to have the bigger fan base, who might be more rabid now that their hero's been cut down by an evil foreigner prone to flailing. Then again, Ian's never been in the bottom two.

Another One Stops Dancing

Former "Cheers" mailman and popular Pixar Studios voice John Ratzenberger became the latest celebrity casualty on "Dancing With the Stars." Though judge Bruno Tonioli said the actor's moves made it look as if he had "been to dance rehab," his footwork failed to impress fans.

Ratzenberger thanked his professional partner, Edyta Sliwinska, saying, "Her kindness and patience and friendship has really been astounding." Tuesday's results show also included a "Sports Center" spoof with ESPN reporter Kenny Mayne, an early reject of the second season of "Dancing With the Stars." He was joined by fellow Season 2 alum Jerry Rice and show judge Len Goodman.

In their analysis of the 60-year-old Ratzenberger, whom Mayne referred to as "J-Rat," they noted the actor's likeability. "He's a veteran campaigner, he has no skills whatsoever, he's 70, 80 years old," Mayne said, "but he's lovable." On Monday, Goodman called Ratzenberger's foxtrot "your best dance I've seen." Rock relic Meat Loaf also performed on Tuesday's show, singing his 1970s anthem "Bat Out of Hell" and his new single "Cry Over Me," from his 2006 album, "Bat Out of Hell III: The Monster is Loose."

Paulina Porizkova, Shandi Finnessey, Leeza Gibbons, Clyde Drexler and Heather Mills have already been eliminated. The remaining celebrity dancers are Billy Ray Cyrus, Ian Ziering, Joey Fatone, Laila Ali and Apolo Anton Ohno. Each will perform two dances on Monday's show.

It Takes Two

We're five down, six remaining, and last night was "the most demanding night so far," with each couple having to take on a ballroom and a Latin dance. It's around this time every season that Len gets all emotional and says things like "I cannot get over how seriously you take this opportunity" and "The winners in life are the ones who can take up a challenge and live up to it." At which we all stare incredulously at our screens and wonder if Len is aware that this show is called Dancing With the Stars and that the prize is a disco-ball trophy. Someone should tell him the disabled woman was knocked out already, so his sweeping statements of purpose are now even more incongruous. Or maybe they aren't. After all — Meatloaf tomorrow night! Clearly, DWTS is the hottest, most important thing around. Suck it, Idol!

This week's performance show belonged, shockingly, to Ian Ziering. The first time a slew of 90210 alums showed up to support him (sorry, Andrea Zuckerman) happened to coincide with the first time Ian bothered to smile during his dances. They were fake smiles too, the painful "I am trying so hard to appear I'm having fun — oh, shit, I missed my step" kind. There was even a "mouthwash" move involved — a vigorous head shake during which Ian appeared to be wishing his immediate environment and/or lot in life would just disappear once he reopened his eyes. They didn't.

But! The judges liked Ian this week! You see, Ian, all you had to do was fake-smile, prompting Carrie Ann to say patronizing things like "Nice attitude shift" and "You're really trying to have fun" that had very little to do with actual dancing. I shouldn't complain, though: Ian scored six straight 9s and ended up tying front-runner Apolo Anton Ohno for third place. Bruno cried out, "This was the revenge of Ian" and "This is your night for a breakthrough," possibly just a little too late. I'm guessing Ian and John Ratzenberger will likely be in the bottom two, so the judges wanted to cover their bases and somewhat make up for being jerks to Ian because he didn't buy into the happy-face game all season.

For the first time, Apolo's youth, posture, spark plug of a partner, and strategically placed bandanna did not wow the judges, who suddenly wanted "great"' instead of just "good" out of him. I thought he did great, but Apolo tied for third, leaving Laila Ali and Joey Fatone to share the top spot. They tied at a high combined score of 59 out of 60. Both delivered two solid dances. Laila started off with a quickstep. As soon as it was over, Bruno said she'd "opened the door to ballroom heaven," and Bruno is the voice of reason. Carrie Ann said, "You knocked me out!" Good one! Laila and Maks' samba wowed even more. I also loved when Laila smacked Maks' ass.

Joey's routines were more of the same from him — cutesy and well executed, with a lot of what Len called "razzle-dazzle." I loved the razzle-dazzle and enjoyed his and Kym's foxtrot. The pair finished the show with a rocking jive. You could tell the judges wanted to close out with a perfect 30. I give you...Cheeky Len: "It was totally [wink wink] in sync." Scripted Bruno: "That was a smashing showcase of talent!" Who Else but Carrie Ann: "You're flexible!"' There you have it. 10-10-10.

John and Edyta placed fifth, turning in a completely respectable foxtrot and rumba that got decent scores but prompted the judges to comment on John's age both times. After their rumba, set to an atrocious rendition of "Under Pressure," in which the singer botched the lyrics on the second line, Carrie Ann told John, "Out of all the older gentlemen on the show, I think you move the best." She also had the gall to say, "You're hanging in there with the big boys." I found this incredibly patronizing — and by the way, shouldn't John be the big boy? I liked the way he refused to smile and bask in these "compliments." He just stood there staring and squinting, as usual. It's always great fun to watch.

I get the impression that Billy Ray Cyrus doesn't want to be there anymore but the judges — and likely ABC, which must think he's good for ratings — will have none of that. Len's man crush on Billy Ray is alive and well, as is the Billy Ray Exemplifies America campaign. For his and Karina's samba, Billy Ray wore a boxing jacket and an American-flag-studded belt, but that wasn't enough, so the studio kicked in every red and blue light in Hollywood, plus psychedelic red, white, and blue pinwheel screen savers for the digitized panels. I think we got the picture! All Billy Ray needed to do was wait for his "Living in America" cue to stomp around making peace signs, then thrust his pelvis five times to the line "You might find out what you are." No, really. That's all he needed to do, to score just one point less than John, who actually bothered to learn an entire partnered routine. Oh, well. They want him back, so we can be sure Billy Ray's patented brand of "mediocracy" will rule the floor at least another week.

Bye Bye Heather

With a farewell speech tucked into the top of her sparkly costume, Heather Mills came prepared to be eliminated from "Dancing With the Stars". "We knew we were going out," said the estranged Mrs. Paul McCartney when she learned her fate. "We were in the bottom two last week. We're not surprised." Mills thanked her professional partner, Jonathan Roberts, as well as the show's orchestra, makeup artists, costume designers and fans.

She said her participation on the program "raised a fortune for our charity, and hundreds of thousands of animals' lives will be saved." Mills donated her performance fee to an animal-welfare charity. She was the first contestant with an artificial limb to compete on the ABC dance-off. Mills lost her leg in a motorcycle accident in 1993. Her performance of the paso doble impressed the judges, with one saying Mills had "great passion and fire." But it failed to dazzle fans, whose voted are combined with judges' scores to determine which couple will be eliminated each week.

Tuesday's results show also included an appearance by Joss Stone, who performed two songs: "Super Duper Love" from her 2003 debut, "The Soul Sessions," and "Tell Me About It," from her latest album, "Introducing Joss Stone." Members of the "Dreamgirls" cast performed "Steppin' To The Bad Side," a song and dance number from the hit film. All seven couples also performed a group routine, a swing dance to the Stray Cats song "Rock This Town."

Paulina Porizkova, Shandi Finnessey, Leeza Gibbons and Clyde Drexler have already been eliminated. The remaining celebrity dancers are Billy Ray Cyrus, Ian Ziering, Joey Fatone, Laila Ali, John Ratzenberger and Apolo Anton Ohno.

Watch Your Step

Yikes. I'm trying to settle down and actually write about the scored dances, but I cannot get that group swing out of my head, particularly the last few lingering moves: The country singer and the Olympic speed skater executed a wheelbarrow, while the boy bander, Her Legscellence, and Steve Sanders waddled in some sort of glued-together clump. All I see when I close my eyes is Crazy Legz Heathah, wiggling her gams and doing a spookier, more daunting version of jazz hands as the trio floats offstage.

Last night, Laila Ali, the strongest man in the room, and Apolo Anton Ohno, who played one of Laila's free weights during the group swing, tied for first place. Laila and Maks put some much-needed "funk" into their cha-cha, which might have been a little more effective if they hadn't mentioned it so often during rehearsal footage. Laila broke out the butterfly in full, unflappable form, while Maks proved that he not only looks like he'd make a great stripper but can dance like one, too. Solid week for them — Bruno called Laila a "magnificent obsession," Len thought the dance was "pure gold," and Carrie Ann said, "Love you wild." Then Samantha did her part by calling Laila the reincarnation of Tina Turner, who is still alive. Oh, plus she told millions of people their score before the judges had held up their paddles.

Julianne's tasty brother Derek helped Apolo and Julianne combat the apparently crippling brother-sister relationship that's been shoved down our throats. Can't we just watch them dance without a breakdown of their lack of sexual tension? These two were, as usual, technically on point during their rumba, which included a chair that Len hated, Apolo lifting Julianne up from a split while she was still split, and some cute head jerks at the "Ah, ah" part of the Harold Wheeler Ensemble's rousing rendition of Gwen Stefani's "'Cool."

After a brief stripping session with a maraca-wielding Jerry Springer, Joey Fatone focused on what was really important for his samba: "I'm a man!" hip thrusts and making sure everyone watching was aware that he knew the words to Erasure's "A Little Respect." I thought this was an uncharacteristically good song choice for his and Kym's samba, considering that Joey took an undeserved beating for looking too ''feminine'' last week and that all the ''to-o-o-o me-e-e-e''s in the song lent themselves to some truly wacky samba rolls. He scored straight 9s and a revision from Len: Joey is now a "big swashbuckling guy" instead of a lady. Carrie Ann delivered the Big Picture line of the night to Joey: "You're insane, and that reads so well in this competition."

Whipping boy Ian Ziering still can't catch a break from the judges because he refuses to pack his knapsack for the really fun 90-second camping trip everyone else goes on. I'd say it's not going to happen for the dude — I mean, after Carrie Ann told Ian to consider channeling Billy Ray, is there really any hope? Even Cheryl hung her head at that point. Ian does the steps, but that's kind of it. His paso doble was anticlimactic and slow, and I'm not sure how much longer we can blame the music choice. Okay, a little longer: ''Waiting for Tonight''? For a paso doble? Give me a break!

Heather Mills came in fifth. She did pretty good. However, I think she scores as high as she does because of her disability and hey, that's cool because I think she's awesome. This week's bottom two were Billy Ray Cyrus and John Ratzenberger. BRC and Karina deliberately abandoned any notion of doing the jive properly and instead did Billy Ray's "thing," which involved a move called "who's your daddy?" that I truly hope he never performs in the presence of Hannah Montana. The judges loved this, er, show for its entertainment value, which isn't really surprising. But it's always jarring when Len tells one contestant (BRC), "Whatever you lack in dance ability, it's always entertaining — I love your work," and then slams another (Apolo) for lingering on a prop: "This is a ballroom, not a theater!"

John and Edyta's mambo earned them the lowest score, as well as (yet again) the most backhanded compliment of the week. Carrie Ann told him, "It was cute. You looked like a little dancing teddy bear." I hope John won't leave this week, just because I'm not done staring at Edyta and the mesmerizing aerial footage of her practicing back walkovers.

I think John's time is up this week though. We'll find out tonight.

Clyde Goes Home

This week’s "Dancing With The Stars" performances inspired very different responses from last week’s performances. Specifically, the judges disliked almost everything last week and complained about the work ethic, but this week, they highly praised several dances and started giving out 10s in a manner not quite so stingy. This didn’t apply to everyone, though, meaning that somebody would go. Probably someone tall. Very tall. Maybe an athlete. Any ideas? How about NBA Hall of Famer Clyde Drexler! Finally!

Of course, it didn’t take a genius to know that the encore dance would be Apolo Anton Ohno and Julianne Hough’s samba, considering that it got a perfect score — the first perfect score of the season. As is often the case, the dance on second viewing was even more fun than it had been the first time, because it seemed so relaxed and comfortable without scoring to worry about.

During a backstage chat with co-host Samantha Harris, Heather Mills explained that the reason she fell on Monday night was that she was supposed to raise her artificial leg and stand on her real leg, and instead, she tried to stand on the artificial leg. As we’ve learned in the past, she can’t balance on the artificial leg, so that’s how she wound up tumbling down.

The first couple ushered to safety was Laila Ali and Maks Chmerkovskiy, which surprised no one. The second couple ushered to safety was John Ratzenberger and Edyta Sliwinska, which surprised everyone. John sat in the bottom two last week, and he didn’t dance all that much better this week, so it was clear that someone else was going to take a serious dive from previous scores.

It wouldn’t be a filler show without Jimmy Kimmel and “Guillermo” offering a demonstration of a dance planned for next week; in this case, it was the swing. After Jimmy was a little mean to Guillermo, Guillermo sought solace in the ladies’ room in the arms of Joey Fatone. If you are thinking that this could not possibly have happened, you are wrong. Host Tom Bergeron deftly remarked that this represented Joey’s “misguided attempt to prove his masculinity.”

Anyway, after a bunch of filler, we moved on to the actual results referred to in the phrase “results show.” Joey and Apolo were both declared safe. This left Ian Ziering, Heather, Clyde, and Billy Ray Cyrus, none of whom had ever been in the bottom two before. And after a ho-hum segment inviting the contestants to complain about how stressful judging is, it was time to learn who was in the bottom two. Ian managed to stay safe, then Clyde was finally sent under the Red Light of Doom, after many weeks of being saved by the audience. He was joined in the bottom two by Heather, who was faced with the prospect of being the fourth consecutive woman to be eliminated since the beginning of the competition, which would leave Laila alone with six men.

Finally, after several weeks of deserving to go home, Clyde finally did, meaning that NBA fans aren’t quite as powerful as NFL fans, or that NBA fans have their limits as far as voting for people who are very, very bad dancers. The good news is that now, everyone who remains seems to be really trying his or her hardest in the competition, and that can only be a good thing.

Sexy Time!

I'll admit it. I haven't quite been feeling DWTS high this season. There have been some solid dances, but nothing that's made me break out to celebrate. Until now! Last night's performance show was a rare delight. Was it Laila and Maks' faux lust? The promise of seeing Bruno showering on ABC.com? Edyta saying "John, vat is dat?" when he put on a kilt? Me basking in the fake-tan aura of Samantha Harris' pregnancy glow?

Apolo Anton Ohno: He got the elusive perfect 30. Yes! This is what I'm talking about. Though I've casually enjoyed some of the stars' personalities this season, none of the actual dances have had me gaping at the screen the way Apolo's samba with Julianne did. Not only did he get all the steps right while moving his hips, but the dance also contained, like, 50 more elements than all the others. Julianne could be the season 2 Cheryl of season 4 — you know she's the one behind the lightning-fast choreography, and yet it's easy to focus on the guy and believe he's doing the leading, which he was. Didn't he look sexy in those tight pants?

Laila Ali: Thank you, girl, for finally stepping it up. Or should I say slowwwly swiveling up Maksim's crotch! That whole love triangle among Laila, Maks, and Laila's fiancé (former NFL stud Curtis Conway) was very fake but very well done as far as fake love triangles go. Who's ready for a wrestling match between Maks and Curtis!

Joey Fatone: I thought his dance was pretty good. I could really feel the passion and romance between him an Kym. However, this wasn't Joey's best performance. During the dance, I didn't quite catch that Joey's problem was that he was being "too feminine." I just wanted him to stop trying to get into some character he hadn't even decided on. Or maybe he had chosen a character and it was a girl. I also think my judgment was way off during this whole dance because all I could think about was Sanjaya and his version of "Besame Mucho."

John Ratzenberger: Yes, John scored way lower than others, but he was just as entertaining. He was laughing throughout his samba with Edyta and just having fun out there. And for all that they rag on John, Clyde Drexler, and Billy Ray Cyrus for messy footwork, at least John attempts challenging moves! Clyde always looks like an Easy Glide Mop being used by a rather lethargic housekeeper, and Billy Ray just kind of gets pushed around — Karina has no other choice, because he doesn't know what he's doing, besides saying "Hannah Montana" 10 times per episode (and "Disney" once). I say let's keep John in. A for effort, and A plus for props!

Ian Ziering: Honestly, I like Ian. He's super-sincere and so goddamn earnest. So I feel sorry that I don't enjoy him more. I just don't think he has the inherent flashiness required to go far in this thing. And it's sad, because the more the judges keep begging him to turn it on and "have a good time," the more he'll psych himself out.

Heather Mills: The whole chest waxing ordeal with Jonathan was probably more interesting than the dance. I thought he looked better with the hair but to weach his own. Anyway, their samba underwhelmed and I was disappointed. Couldn't she have stood on her good leg at the end of it? The leg she's supported herself on for every other dance move save that one?

I'd say tonight's results show is John's or Clyde's to lose, since people like Billy Ray and Heather has appeared on every talk show in America.

Gibbons Dances Out the Door

As judge Carrie Ann Inaba said, for a 50-year-old, Leeza Gibbons has it going on, body-wise. Dance-wise, not so much. The former Entertainment Tonight host was voted off of Dancing with the Stars Tuesday night after landing near the bottom of the leader-board after Monday's performance show, where her painfully stiff paso doble garnered a weak 16 from the judges.

Only NBA star Clyde Drexler impressed the judges less, getting a 15 for a waltz that Bruno Tonioli said had less romance than Donald Trump and Rosie O'Donnell. "Dull, dull, dull," judge Len Goodman told Gibbons after her performance with partner Tony Dovolani to "You Give Love a Bad Name," obviously referring to her leaden footwork and not the skimpy leather-inspired getup she donned for the occasion.

"What if we demand a recount?" the TV personality joked after learning the Bon Jovi tune had been her swan song. "I believe just showing up for your life anytime makes you a winner," Gibbons said, adding that her fellow stars have "nerves of steel and hearts of gold."

Gibbons' elimination leaves eight wannabe Fred and Gingers in contention for the prestigious disco ball trophy, including Drexler, who apparently had a loyal fan base coming into the competition, and Monday's top performer, Joey Fatone, whose paso doble was awarded the first 10 of the season by Inaba.

"Somebody went and lit a fire under your bum," she told Fatone. (FYI, it was Goodman, who told the former boy bander last week that his posterior was sticking out as he danced the tango.) The singer and partner Kym Johnson (who's come a long way since her Jerry Springer days last season) reigned over the ballroom with a 28.

Also scoring high marks from the increasingly critical judges were speed-skater Apolo Anton Ono (26), Ian Ziering (24) and Heather Mills (23), whose take on the waltz couldn't compare to her acrobatic approaches to the jive and mambo but who Tonioli called "the mistress of mind over matter."

Former favorite Laila Ali also continued to fall in the judges' eyes, scoring her second 21 in a row with a passionless paso doble, trotting out an oddly brisk version of a dance that's apparently supposed to involve a lot of glaring, stomping and pulling women around by the hair.

Tying Ali was Billy Ray Cyrus, who may not have the technical goods but makes it up to the judges with a solid work ethic and, in some cases, raw sex appeal. A hot-under-the-collar Inaba called the country singer's paso doble "oddly awkward and sexy and hot and strange, all at the same time." Meanwhile, clinging to the bottom rungs are Drexler and John Ratzenberger, whose days as the slow-yet-showy middle-aged contestant are numbered.

Tuesday's results show also featured performances by country music duo Big & Rich and an appearance by season-two champ Drew Lachey. "Listen to what the judges say," he advised this season's stars. "They know what they're talking about."

The Judges Strike Back

This week, judge Len Goodman set a schoolmarmish tone early on with a harsh scolding that came out of nowhere: Some of the contestants haven't been practicing enough. Len is grumpy. Len is pissed off. So it makes perfect sense that Billy Ray Cyrus, despite kind of sucking, earned an A plus for effort, and triple 7s to match, from the judges. "You did the most practicing this week of all the couples," said Len. Don't get me wrong — I rather enjoyed the spectacle that was Karina and Billy Ray's paso doble, set to "Black Betty," particularly the somewhat bewildering clavicle-splice at the end. It was just a weird dance to earn so much gushing enthusiasm from the judges. He was trying, they want us to know!

On the opposite end of Len's cheese-roll-o-meter: Clyde Drexler, whose rehearsal footage was edited to make it look like he doesn't care enough about the competition to even show up on time, let alone stand upright in the presence of Elena. After a lackluster, just-going-through-the-motions waltz, Clyde assured viewers of his commitment. He also called out the judges, saying, "Their lines sounded a little too rehearsed," which, you have to admit, is totally true for every single time the judges open their mouths and is therefore hilarious. Will Clyde's fan base dig his sauciness or lend their votes to those who suffer in silence? I have a feeling that his backtalk hurt his score and that after Len heard Clyde's dis, he switched his paddle from a 6 or 5 to a 4.

The three to beat this week were Joey Fatone, Apolo Anton Ohno, and Ian Ziering. Joey and Kym's paso doble — one of the few dances set to appropriate music — earned them the first 10 of the season, from Carrie Ann. You know Bruno was seething, because he likes to whip out his first 10 with a dramatic, flailing fist pump, whereas Carrie Ann's paddle didn't even graze her chin. It seemed a bit early for a perfect score, but I did love Kym's complicated choreography for the paso and was pleasantly surprised by Joey's lack of gimmicks. Until that ass check at the end.

Apolo and Julianne delighted yet again with their super-smooth waltz. I'm pretty sure if you looked up sunshine in the most up-to-date dictionary, so up-to-date it doesn't even exist yet, you'd find a still of Apolo and Julianne performing matching arabesques with Serene Facial Expressions. They could easily take the competition just because they're so bouncy and utterly likable. I can't even think of a complaint. I know I heard Len say "bad footwork," but Bruno quickly drowned him out with a quintessential DWTS-esque quip: "He's an ice skater, and he's dancing!"

Ian and Cheryl were solid as usual, but nothing popped for me. I think he's too hesitant on the floor, too concerned that he might mess up — so that when he does, even if it's a tiny mistake, he looks even more concerned and gives himself away. Bruno told Ian he'd gone from Mr. McDreamy to Mr. McStiffy, then pretended like he didn't know what he'd said wrong. Who knows anymore if it's intentional or not, but I love how we can always count on Bruno for at least one double entendre per week. Ian's sidelong glance to fellow guy Tom Bergeron was priceless. Just in case we hadn't heard the joke, Carrie Ann repeated, "Stiffy. You said stiffy," to Bruno before reminding Ian to breathe.

Laila Ali and Heather Mills fleshed out the middle of the pack. Heather, who doesn't strike me as particularly graceful on her own, had a pretty-for-once costume and Jonathan's brilliant choreography to thank for making her believable in a dance as contained and emotionally invested as the waltz. Laila and Maks were the underwhelmers of the week. It was a disaster, and I heavily blame Maks' distracting pitless-yet-sleeved jacket and the music. During a dance that's supposed to be passionate, tense, and dark, Laila — who's not even cheerful in real life — was grinning! Horrible, horrible song choice. I also thought Maks' choreography showcased his own ability to leap with impressively twisted legs instead of Laila as cape, which is the point of the dance. Get it together, you two.

Clyde finished dead last, but Leeza Gibbons and John Ratzenberger came mighty close with matching 16s for their paso dobles. Carrie Ann delivered possibly her most insulting critique to date to John: "I couldn't tell if you were being funny or really trying." As token old guy, John might be expected to ham it up on purpose, but he definitely didn't do that this week. He was genuinely trying — stomping, to be sure, but trying nonetheless. I'm glad he's not resorting to old-fogy gimmicks. It just doesn't seem to be in his character. If that means really low scores, so be it. At least he won't be pandering to people. Leather (or pleather)-bound Leeza did her own share of stomping with Tony, in a paso that was unfortunately set to some mind-blowingly inappropriate Bon Jovi. Leeza's performance was quite wooden and completely devoid of rhythm. I'm guessing she'll go home tonight.

Another Stops Dancing

She may have taken the Miss USA title in 2004, but Shandi Finnessey won't be crowned the winner of "Dancing With the Stars." After ranking in the bottom two last week, Finnessey was eliminated last night. The game show host and former beauty queen said that her experience on the show was "amazing" and that working with her professional dance partner, Brian Fortuna, was "great." I'm really not surprised. They were one of the weaker couples and most annoying.

Despite high marks from the judges, Leeza Gibbons narrowly escaped elimination Tuesday. She and her partner, Tony Dovolani, also surprisingly placed in the bottom two. Somehow, Clyde Drexler, who earned the lowest score - 16 points out of 30-, escaped the bottom two.

Oh well. Shandi joins Paulina Porizkova. The remaining celebrity dancers are Gibbons, Cyrus, Drexler, Ian Ziering, Joey Fatone, Laila Ali, John Ratzenberger, Heather Mills and Apolo Anton Ohno. Each will perform the paso doble or the waltz on Monday's show.

Confused Judging

Dancing With the Stars often leaves me in a haze of confusion, but last night's haze had more to do with the judges' wonky scoring system than with the visual effects. Actually, maybe that's not true. I should give Joey Fatone and Kym's Star Wars laser show some more credit, because that abomination really messed with my head. At the time, I considered texting all sorts of people who would totally hate something like this, just to get them to flip the channel from basketball to 'N Sync + A Light Saber, but I restrained myself. What was that? Has anyone recovered? I already feel like I'm in outer space when I watch this show — there was really no need to make it worse.

No, I'm mostly hazy as to how Joey, Ian Ziering, Leeza Gibbons, and Heather Mills all shared the night's top spot, while better performances, like Laila Ali's and Apolo Anton Ohno's, were underscored. The judges blasted Laila and Maksim for breaking their hold in the middle of their tango — something Maks probably should have known better than to choreograph, considering how Karina came under fire for a similar offense with Mario Lopez last season. Still, Laila's energy and theatrics were way more convincing than Heather's or Leeza's, and aside from her "pancake hands," I didn't see much wrong with her performance. Was it just me, or did she look really good on all those solo spins?

It was pretty hilarious — and, if you weren't in a good mood, frustrating — that no one got to see Ian's apparently really offensive mess-up at the end of his jive with Cheryl. All of a sudden we saw a twinkling backdrop (the ceiling?) where Ian's big finish should have been. Tough break for viewers, but I was more concerned with the camera guy's safety than whether Ian had done something wrong. I thought his routine was the quickest and the most fun and precise of the evening.

As eerily endearing as Tony and Leeza's high-intensity relationship can be, their dance was not good. It was way too slow, and she doesn't seem to show any emotion — such as joy (but I'd even accept pain) — while dancing. It's probably because she's concentrating so hard, so I should maybe cut her some slack. But what. Was with. The tattoo? Please, sear it out of my memory!

Okay, let's review the things we've learned about Heather Mills so far. Fake leg. Ability to do walkovers. Makes the same idiotic face for any situation. We get it! Enough with the gymnastics, and the sooner they can refrain from making her rehearsal footage a PSA for advancements in prosthetics, the better. No way did that horrible, sloppy jive warrant more than a 20. She's getting special treatment, and unless the show starts acknowledging that, people are gonna get annoyed really fast.

Shandi Finnessey and Billy Ray Cyrus shared mid-bottom-of-the-pack distinction with Laila this week. Shandi and Brian's jive was eh. Shandi tried hard but has little natural ability, and I'm guessing she'll be the one to go home tomorrow. Billy Ray clearly struggles the most out of anyone there with the choreography, but he also tried hard, was self-deprecating in that "Awww, look at the self-deprecator! I wanna vote for him!"' type of way, and prompted Carrie Ann to say "balls."' I'd call that a pretty solid week for him!

Stuck at the bottom? A lackluster Clyde Drexler, who could have done a lot more with his jive, since it didn't require a constant hold with his vertically challenged partner, Elena, and John Ratzenberger, whose tango with Edyta was a little safe and skimpy on the technique, but certainly a very good showing from Cliff. In fact, both men's scores were appropriate for their performances — which is why it really grinds my gears that the unimpressive Leeza and Heather earned triple 8s seemingly at random. Is there a great conspiracy at large???

The Stars Go Raunchy

Yesterday was a very sexy edition of Dancing With the Stars as all the women performed the mambo, with varying degrees of raunchiness. Shandi Finnessey is pretty hot but her dancing just doesn't do it for me. Her timing is off and she seems content to just be flung around the floor by her partner while grinning goofily. I also can't stand this whole Barbie and Ken "all-American couple" thing. It may be her partner, Brian, that's the problem. Last week he was hot, this week he is annoying.

Paulina Porizkova also looked great and I want her to stay just because she cracks me up, as does her partner, hottie Alec Mazo. It's also worth noting that the cameras zoomed in on Brian Austin Green right after Paulina's performance. Was that bad timing, or did they just have to squeeze him in, sometime, anytime? Moments like these are why I watch this show.

This is an uncomfortable sentence to write, but Heather Mills was actually kind of good at mamboing and raunchiness. I'm sorry, the woman did a back walkover — let's go absolutely nuts about her! I have a feeling if any non-amputee had pulled that stunt so early in the competition, the judges would have launched into one of their "OMG, no lifts! No showboating!" tizzies immediately. So she got a pass on that. Also, major plot development: The rest of the cast is starting to acknowledge Heather backstage. Before, they were all pretty indifferent and kept scooting away and avoiding eye contact, but this time Billy Ray Cyrus kissed her on the cheek. Interesting.

The hotshot woman of the night — and of the season, so far — was one Miss Laila Ali. Len called hers "the best mambo we've seen," and she earned major points for shaking up some good hip action and keeping her orgasm face on the whole time. As Carrie Ann said, this was "hot, hot, hot." Laila and Maksim's gym session was cute, and they make a very hot couple. They are my favorites so far.

All the men had to do the quickstep. I honestly thought we wouldn't get to see Billy Ray Cyrus do his, because he seemed about to quit a few seconds into his rehearsal footage. But he pulled it off — with a sequined guitar on his back, no less. Sure, he'd improved since last week, but did he really deserve to be scored one point less than Ian Ziering, who was called out for being "too hoppy" in a dance that's largely composed of little hops? I'm also wondering, after the house band's droning rendition of "Ring of Fire," if Johnny Cash would have deigned to stand in any "corner" of this ballroom, no matter how close that corner was to Billy Ray.

Apolo Anton Ohno definitely stepped it up this week — footwork-wise, his routine was very complicated, and he and Julianne were almost alarmingly in sync. And since they're so young, they look a bit like that power dance couple who are way better than everyone else at their high school's talent show, half sexy, half incestuous, only not annoying. I dig. For now.

Clyde Drexler's suddenly in danger of going home — after the judges called him "very smooth" and a "crowd pleaser" (Carrie Ann), "great" (Len), and "David and Goliath, rewriting history and making music!" (one guess), they proceeded to give him a daunting 6-6-6. I'm sorry but he sucks and I hope he goes. Hopefully, Ammerica will show no mercy for the cute little dance partner and the gentle giant athlete! John Ratzenberger's dance was ok. The judges went gaga over the "performance" element of John's dance, which is to say they thought it stunk but did not say so. At least, they scored him three points higher than Clyde.

Fan favorite Joey Fatone didn't disappoint the judges with his flashy quickstep. He's definitely the only guy at this point who seems confident enough in his moves that he bothers to throw in the cheesy faces, head jerks and open-mouthed "I'm excited" gapes. His dancing itself seems effortless by comparison. I have a feeling Joey's going to wear sequined lettering or at least some form of sequined identifier every week. This time, it was his initials on his coattails. Whatever will he bedazzle next?

Tonight, we find out who gets sent home and I'm thinking it maybe Clyde but who knows.

The "Stars" Start Dancing

On the season premiere of Dancing With the Stars, there were spangles and sparring, but, despite much anticipation, the wardrobe malfunctions did not include a flying prosthetic leg. Basically, an enormous pink ruffle starred as "an outfit," two plastic bobbleheads foxtrotted to "The Power of Love," and Karina Smirnoff scored fewer points than a one-legged woman. It can only mean one thing. It's season 4 of Dancing With the Stars!

Let's start with the most abysmal: Billy Ray Cyrus. Len called his cha-cha "more like a hoedown," and as usual Bruno provided the most vivid comparison: "It was like a crazy bear lost in a swamp!" This routine did feature the first (and likely Karina's only) splits of the season, and a cringe-inducing wig malfunction, so I guess it wasn't completely worthless. But Billy Ray ruined it when, during his Samantha interview, he said, "'I Want My Mullet Back' is on my new album, and it's also on ringtones." I don't keep tabs on Billy Ray, so my first thought was, No way. That's not the name of a real song, and by mentioning ringtones, Billy Ray is simply commenting sarcastically on our hyper-commercialistic society....Wrong.

Moving on to the slightly less horrible...Heather Mills! The good news: Despite the constant teases on ABC's commercials these past weeks, one of her endless supply of pre-shoed artificial legs did not fly off her body, ricocheting past Carrie Ann's judging paddle and landing at the perfect angle from which to shoot both the leg and the Heather. Not yet, anyway. I don't presume the right to comment on her character, but dancing-wise, I just didn't find her engaging. She's a bit cold. The far more likable Leeza Gibbons did okay in her foxtrot with Tony — as Bruno said, she just needs to relax and she might be fine. She'll probably stick around for a while.

I don't see Shandi Finnessey staying in the competition for too long. Not famous enough, kind of a klutz, and I'd find it really hard to believe that anyone's buying into the kindling of her fake showmance with self-proclaimed "hot, young" dance partner Brian. I happen to find her presence on this show hilarious, but that's because I've seen her on the Game Show Network — yes, even the more unfortunate shows like the ones she hosts; you know, only when I've left the TV on in the background. She never knows any pop culture references on PlayMania, so it made perfect sense that she confused the Macarena with a margarita.

Clyde "the Glide"' Drexler was awful. He needs to own his height more on the dance floor, but that's kind of tough unless you're around other tall people instead of shrimps. I did love how he almost ripped Samantha's arm out in order to hoist the mike up to his level. I also liked John Ratzenberger's attitude. I love how he's approaching the show with such a sense of humor. The guy's a great sport for agreeing to join the party two weeks later than everyone else, and pretty light on his feet to boot. His comic timing, as well as crafty phrases like "I'm doing this for all the baby boomers everywhere," should propel him along.

Okay, we're starting to get into ''good dancer'' territory. Apolo Anton Ohno performed well— he got all the steps right, at least, and I thought it was hilarious how the judges kept telling him to correct his stooped-over posture. Of course! He spends most of his time speed skating at a 45-degree angle toward the ground. It just didn't occur to me that something that obvious would be the problem.

Paulina Porizkova didn't score too well, but she's one of my favorites of this new group solely based on her calming aura and down-to-earth personality. I loved her banter with Alec about how they'd both left communist countries only to confront now "the system" of ballroom dancing, and how she willingly acknowledged her occasional clumsiness. She could definitely improve and become well-liked over the next few weeks, but she may succumb to a Giselle Fernandez-like run — good enough not to leave, not exciting enough to stay.

Ian Ziering tied Apolo for third place after his cha-cha with the show's resident MVP, Cheryl. Does everyone realize Steve Sanders is currently 43? He looks almost exactly the same as — or a bit better than, if you ask me, especially sans permed mullet — he did on 90210. It's odd. He and Joey Fatone will be battling it out for cheesiest performance each week. Since Ian was a bit stiff (he was the first to dance), Joey gladly stepped in and completely camped it up for his cha-cha with Kym. I couldn't find anything wrong with this dance. I mean, Joey had ironed-on bling on his vest, Kym wore white tasseled trousers, and they looked like they belonged at a disco in any decade other than this one. That's pretty much the definition of this entire show. I commend Joey and Kym for delving into its true meaning so quickly.

I saved my current fave for last: the gorgeous, strong, surprisingly graceful, and sweet-as-can-be Laila Ali. She's easily the best female role model of the bunch, on any season. If the Ziering and the Fat One split their votes, Laila could pull ahead. Not to mention she's paired up with Maksim.

My one gripe would be how much ABC is stretching the deifinition of "stars" this season, more than on any other. I'm not a whole lot excited for anyone that much, other than the aforementioned Laila Ali. Well, we'll see how this season goes.

Get Ready to Dance Again!

The fourth season of "Dancing with the Stars" could have a decidedly athletic feel.

The ABC series, which returns to the air Monday, March 19, will have three jocks competing this time around, more than have ever taken part before. Among those is also the show's first female athlete, boxer Laila Ali. Olympic short-track medalist Apolo Anton Ohno and basketball Hall of Famer Clyde "The Glide" Drexler are the others.

The 11 stars in this year's cast also include Heather Mills, the former wife of Beatle Paul McCartney and the first contestant to compete with an artificial limb. Her left leg was amputated below the knee in 1993 after she was badly injured in a traffic accident. She'll be partnered with Jonathan Roberts, who's back for his third turn on the show.

Among the other notable names are former "Beverly Hills, 90210" star Ian Ziering (partnered with two-time champ Cheryl Burke), supermodel Paulina Porizkova (with season one winner Alec Mazo), Miss USA 2004 Shandi Finnessey (dancing with newcomer Brian Fortuna) and ex-"Sopranos" star Vincent Pastore (dancing with Edyta Sliwinska).

Drexler, who at 6-foot-7 is likely the tallest "Dancing" contestant to date, will pair up with Elena Grinenko, who's hoping for a longer run than her one-and-done stint with Tucker Carlson last season. Ali will team up with Maksim Chmerkovskiy, who danced with Willa Ford last season, and Ohno will work with Julianne Hough, who's making her first appearance on the series.

Rounding out the cast are "Achy Breaky Heart" singer/"Hannah Montana" star Billy Ray Cyrus (with Karina Smirnoff); former *NSync member and sometime Broadway actor Joey Fatone (with Kym Johnson); and talk-show host Leeza Gibbons (with Tony Dovolani).

Tom Bergeron and Samantha Harris will take up hosting duties once again, and judges Len Goodman, Carrie Ann Inaba and Bruno Tonioli will also be back.

"Dancing with the Stars" premieres at 8 p.m. ET Monday, March 19.

Disappointed With Dancing With the Stars

Close your eyes and step away from the sequins. It's over. In what I found to be a huge upset, Emmitt Smith has been crowned champion of the third season of Dancing With the Stars. He got more viewer votes than the very talented Mario Lopez after tying him in the judges' votes. I really wanted Mario to win because he was far and away so much better. I find it so sad that the dancer that finished at the top of the leaderboard almost every week was the one that lost. Mario had more than style, though, because his charisma and perfect dancing should have given him the win. Sure. Emmitt's a good dancer. But Mario was more technically polished and was fluid, cool, and always fun.

Finale week was a bit underwhelming compared to the past few sessions. With just two competitors, going back and forth between similar dances got to be tedious. Tuesday night, Emmitt and Mario both performed a samba to the same song. Mario pulled off some very impressive samba rolls, yet somehow received only a 20/30 because according to Len he missed a step. I guess Len missed when Emmitt did the same thing at the beginning yet gave him a perfect score. Both guys then repeated a favorite dance from earlier in the season, which allowed Bruno to use the phrase ''sun-baked Spanish plains'' regarding Mario's paso doble. At least I think he said that. It was obvious on Tuesday that Bruno really liked Mario.

Then there were the freestyles. Considering the inordinate amount of hype they had leading up to the freestyles, I was disappointed with Emmitt and Cheryl. They recycled an M.C. Hammer video, which was simply awful. However, the judges nearly crapped themselves trying to contain their praise. Len called Emmitt his ''dancing hero'' and awarded them a 29/30 which they did not deserve. Mario and Karina's homage to the 80s was simply perfect and fun. Now that is what a perfect score looks like.

Then on the finale I would have to admit that I loved the obligatory Loved Ones Montages for both finalists. The best part: George Lopez remarking that Mario had finally gotten people to forget Saved by the Bell about three seconds after Elizabeth Berkley appeared on screen. Even though I did not want them to win, I do like Emmitt and Cheryl and I thought it was great when they were thanking each other. I remember Cheryl saying something earnest and sweet, but before we could absorb that nice moment, Emmitt slammed us with exceedingly heartfelt lines of his own. I also thought that Mario and Karina's tributes to each other were just as powerful.

We also got to see all of the booted contestants again last night for a big reunion in which they danced in two heats. Vivica must have been pissed to be second-string. I am also sure that the entire time Shanna Moakler was up there, most of America wanted to reach through their screens and hug her for having punched Paris Hilton. Monique executed about 50 steps for everyone else's 10, but it looked great. Harry Hamlin made multiple facial expressions! Even Tucker Carlson showed up to smirk heavily.

And then came the announcement. I had to admit that when I saw them all standing there, that I knew Mario would lose, although I still kept some glimmer of hope. He deserved to win not because he is hot, but because he was the better dancer. All that was lost when Tom announced that Emmitt and Cheryl won and presented them with that ugly disco ball trophy. So here ended another season in disappointment. Oh well, now the wait begins for season four!

Mario was robbed! Ok, I'm done.

Sara Evans Stops Dancing

In a very surprising move, country singer Sara Evans suddenly dropped out of ABC's Dancing with the Stars yesterday. On the same day, she filed for divorce from her husband of 13 years, Craig Schelske. The couple have three children together, all under the age of seven. Supposedly, she left the show to be with her children at this very difficult time. Although she consistently received less than enthusiastic scores from the judges, her strong fan base rallied each week, keeping her out of the Bottom Two. Her personal problems probably explain why Sara never really danced too well, her heart just wasn't into it. I am sure that this must have caught her fans, her partner Tony, and ABC by surprise. No word yet as to how they will handle her departure, although she will appear one last time on Tuesday's performance show. I really hope they decide to bring back Willa Ford, who was unfairly voted off on Wednesday night's Results show. It would make sense to do that so that the show continues running on schedule.